


Life's a palette of colors

by ikonnichiwa



Series: junbob aus ♡ [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Basically a rant on Junhoe's feelings, Friendzone, Gay Sex, Grief/Mourning, I tried to make it short, I’m just junbob trashed, Jealousy, Junhoe centric, M/M, Mild Smut, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love, color symbolism, could be angsty sometimes, gay relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-05-29 23:57:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15084545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikonnichiwa/pseuds/ikonnichiwa
Summary: In which Junhoe's helplessly in love with his best friend's boyfriend. And it hurts. It hurts so damn much.





	1. Orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Junhoe were to describe Jiwon with only one word, he would say “orange” : orange as the warm, powerful light of sunset. Orange, as the flamboyant, burning, tropical sky. If his life was a canvas, Junhoe would definitely paint a monochrome : a wild orange picture, screaming splendor.

 

 

_Orange : flamboyant ; fascination ; pessimism_

 

***

 

 

Junhoe woke up way too early for his liking, thanks to the salty smell of cooking ramyeon ; Jiwon really ate those at 8 in the morning, the boy truly was a thing. Junhoe yawned and stretched his limbs lazily, eyes still shut, the morning sun too bright for a winter day. A complaining whine escaped from his plump, but dry from sleep lips, as he switched off the alarm he had set the night before ; it hadn’t buzzed yet. Two hours of sweet dreams missing, he jumped off his bed, put on some clothes and headed towards the kitchen, his gait heavy and slow betraying an accumulated tiredness Junhoe would rather do without. As he sat down on one of the three wooden chairs around the kitchen table, Jiwon handed him a cup of black coffee.

 

“What are you up to today ?”, he heard Jiwon ask. Junhoe, however, kept his answer short.

“Nothing special.” He muttered, voice low and raspy. Jiwon didn’t ask anything else.

 

His cup now empty, he stood up and left the room, leaving Jiwon and his ramen alone. When he was about to enter the bathroom, he noticed Hanbin had joined him. He sat on Jiwon’s lap, because why not, the two love birds now in their little world where no one could reach them : Junhoe included. Not in the mood of witnessing morning kisses or Hanbin’s usual praises such as “you were amazing last night” or “my ass is going to be sore for days”, he slammed the door, perhaps a bit too passive aggressive for Hanbin not to feel attacked.

 

“What’s wrong with him this time ?” He asked, half worried, half annoyed.

“I think he just needs to get laid.” Junhoe winced at this. But Jiwon had a point there ; he truly needed to get laid. Unfortunately, his desires went towards one person only and they were totally out of his league.

 

***

 

He didn’t really remember how he happened to like Jiwon. He had had these feelings for so long, he couldn’t even remember properly how it all started to emerge. But if he were to tell when he fell in love with him, he would say the day a raven-haired boy coming straight from America entered his classroom, all bunny smile and crooked teeth, marked the beginning of seven long years of hiding, pretending and ignoring. He was now 21 and never, since he and Jiwon had met, did he ever look at someone the way he would discreetly look at him.

It was not hard at first ; he had been confused about his sexuality before and Jiwon’s arrival only confirmed what he thought and what he felt deep down in his heart. Liking boys wasn’t a big deal to him though : he was born this way and Junhoe felt no need to even try to deny it. It didn’t matter. His friends had told him they had been aware of it even before he understood his own preferences. His mother hadn’t been surprised either when he eventually came out to her randomly between two sip of Coke at McDonald’s.

Despite a lot of optimism, which was quite rare coming from Junhoe, the more the boy hanged out with his friends, which ultimately meant being around Jiwon more than five minutes in a day, the more it became harder for him to deal with his feelings. The task got more difficult again, when Hanbin, his best friend, let Jiwon, a stranger, enter their duo. It hurt him ; not because he saw Jiwon as a threat to his dear friendship, though it helped that everyone believed this lame excuse. He was just helplessly in love with him ; his messy black hair, his slight, crescent moon-like eyes and his way too enthusiastic laugh had won his heart hands down. Even his tendency to always be around others, result of his quite developed social skills, didn’t bother Junhoe, who usually hated the smallest invasion of his personal space. In fact, Jiwon had changed him completely ; at least, on the inside.

On the outside, though, it seemed like Junhoe hated Jiwon. He would make sure to sigh heavily whenever the boy would come near him, faking annoyance, or avoid sitting right next to Jiwon. That way, Junhoe didn’t have to confront his feelings all the time, his expectations wouldn’t rise and he wouldn’t get hurt. It all seemed like a perfect plan. But Junhoe soon learnt that when life made choices for oneself, it was nearly impossible to escape from the consequences and so, the more he avoided Jiwon’s presence, the more he grew desperately fond of him and the more he missed him.

It turned into a sort of fascination. Always far enough to not betray his feelings but near enough to enjoy just enough of the one he loved, Junhoe remained in Jiwon’s life, following his path as he watched him go wherever life took him, gaze full of tenderness ; a warmth only he was aware of. Junhoe never thought of confessing to Jiwon : pride and shyness stood in the way and prevented him from trying to reach for Jiwon’s hand. What if he got rejected ? His fear of losing the tiny bound that existed between the two of them too high to be ignored, he rather stayed silent. Thus, Junhoe stayed there, next to him and let him be, let him flirt with all the girls, with all the guys as he slowly witnessed him slip from him to others, to Hanbin, though Jiwon had never belong to him in any way. Only in his teenage dreams did Junhoe get more than a hello and a few jokes ; only in the maze of his unrealistic hopes was he at Hanbin’s place. And it was perfect that way.

Harder it got when, on a Monday morning of his senior year, Hanbin, his best friend, ran to him (or was he hopping ?), a huge, happy grin on his face. The older took his hand and headed towards a quiet spot in the schoolyard, hidden behind a few trees : they would always go there when they wanted to share secrets. That day, Hanbin looked so thrilled, Junhoe remembered his cheeks looked like they were about to pop. But what struck him the most was the badly hidden with makeup hickeys all over his neck and the sound of Hanbin’s joyful voice excitedly telling him that Jiwon and him had had sex. At that particular moment, Junhoe knew he would never compete with him ; Hanbin had reached the goal he had been too afraid to ever aim for.

Hanbin and Jiwon dating never really disrupted the trio’s friendship ; Junhoe had made a great job at faking disinterest in his best friend’s boyfriend, owning him a few disapproving glances or talks where Hanbin would try his hardest to make “the two most important people of his life” get closer. He never truly succeeded, but Jiwon was happy to try while Junhoe delivered the bare minimum : just enough for Hanbin to leave him alone. It basically remained the same as ever, despite Jiwon and Hanbin kissing every once in a while and a few naughty comments about some sexual activities Junhoe would rather not know about. His imagination worked very well on its own ; it didn’t need any help.

After the three of them graduated high school, they all moved a lot closer to town in a small, yet cosy apartment. It had been no surprise for Junhoe when Hanbin and Jiwon decided to room together, Junhoe getting his own bedroom and personal space to work or relax whereas, on the other side of the wall, the couple would mostly make love. Junhoe couldn’t wish for them to be considerate of his feelings when no one knew about them ; but he would like the walls not to be that thin, or Hanbin to be way quieter. The latter’s whines might sound exciting to his lover but to Junhoe, they were a constant reminder of his loneliness and unrequited feelings.

Of course, within the seven years he had liked Jiwon, he had dated a few guys, although nothing ever got serious. Most of the time, they would break up with him telling him they felt neglected ; as if he always thought of someone else. However, Junhoe never told them they were right, since he was way too proud to admit he was so clockable, but he didn’t mind them noticing either. What concerned him, though, was if Hanbin or Jiwon were to realize someday. To him, this was totally out of the question ; as the third wheel of the group, he was satisfied. He was safe, despite the obvious heartache coming with it.

 

***

 

Hanbin had classes that day, which meant Junhoe was basically alone with Jiwon the entire afternoon. The flat was incredibly quiet and the atmosphere, almost awkward ; not a single word escaped both of their mouths, Jiwon too focused on his computer doing whatever and Junhoe, busy faking indifference while reading a novel. Faking he was, indeed ; because despite his good will, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of the now grown-up man sitting at their kitchen table.

Growing up had made Jiwon great justice ; he was already quite handsome while puberty hit him, but the final results always managed to mesmerize Junhoe. Cheekbones and jaw sharp as a knife, the boy exuded charisma and manliness, so much it was almost scary but the second he smiled, he turned into the fluffiest being. He oozed confidence from every pore but could easily get shy whenever Hanbin kissed him in public. People called Jiwon reckless, most teachers mistrusted him back in high school ; Junhoe’s mother had even advised him not to approach “the new American student”, whereas he was in fact the most polite boy Junhoe had ever met. He had always found it funny, how anyone would misjudged Jiwon but he never did. He had felt from the beginning that only a very special boy could love basketball and underground rap just as much as he loved Winnie the Pooh : and Junhoe had fell for that boy. And by living with him, even though they were not so close, he could discover and learn the multiple aspects of Jiwon’s personality and for that, he would be forever thankful.

If Junhoe were to describe Jiwon with only one word, he would say “orange” : orange as the warm, powerful light of sunset. Orange, as the flamboyant, burning, tropical sky. If his life was a canvas, Junhoe would definitely paint a monochrome : a wild orange picture, screaming splendor. However, what he loved the most about him weren’t his smile nor his features. It was his eyes ; in these dark, chocolate-brown iris of his, Junhoe would drown and see the brightest stars. One glance and he would feel his blood rush to his heart so quickly it could explode ; only one glance and he would feel completed and happy. That was Jiwon’s power. He owned Junhoe entirely and he didn’t even know it.

Fortunately enough, Jiwon was to preoccupied with what he was working on to acknowledge Junhoe’s presence ; the latter guessed it was some kind of essay he had to finish tapping, given the amount of papers and books spread on the table. The few times he ever spoke was to ask when Hanbin would come back, though he knew his boyfriend’s schedules by heart. Junhoe simply ignored him. Jiwon was so whipped, it reminded him of himself : how ironic, he muttered as he went back to his chapter.

Hanbin showed up around 6 in the afternoon and Jiwon ran immediately to him, hugging him tight against his chest, his cheerful voice a wonderful melody as he greeted his boyfriend with the loveliest words. Junhoe’s heart broke a little bit more as he left the room and no one noticed.

 

***

 

Hanbin had asked Junhoe to meet him at a coffee shop ; it was their favorite spot since one of their closest friends, Jinhwan, had started working there. When he arrived close to the shop, he indeed recognized the fading blonde locks he had himself dyed. Hanbin was on his phone, laughing to his screen and Junhoe didn’t need to think long to guess it was Jiwon who texted him. Usually, it took hours for his best friend to reply back, but Jiwon got his texts within seconds. The privilege of being a lover. 

In the mood for something sweet, he ordered a milkshake as soon as he sat down, and coughed purposely loudly to get his friend’s full attention. It worked : Hanbin looked up and put his phone aside, greeting Junhoe with a bright smile.

 

“So, what’s up man ?”, he asked, casually as ever and then the conversation started only to get interrupted when a waitress came to their table and gave Junhoe his drink.

 

Both friends stayed there for a hour or so, talking about nothing and everything at the same time ; Junhoe liked this about Hanbin. Time passed so fast whenever he was around his best friend. He just felt comfortable around him, unlike around Jiwon. He hated being alone with Jiwon. If that way, he could look at the boy again and again, he would still feel a knot in his throat, sweat trickle down his spine and his heart beat way too fast and way too loud. Hanbin was the right one to hang out with.

It hurt Junhoe. Of course, it ached being in love with someone who couldn’t respond to his feelings. But loving the guy his best friend would give his life to was even worse. Junhoe had spent his teenage years feeling nothing but remorses towards Hanbin ; sometimes, he would even apologize out of nowhere, for “no reason”, and come back with an excuse such as “I ate all the potato chips”. He didn’t even understand how Hanbin would buy such lame explanations. But at least it worked.

 

“By the way, you know I took this photography class right ?”, Junhoe nodded silently while sipping his drink (he had ordered another one) as Hanbin went on, “And since you’re not that bad looking, I wanted to ask you if you could be one of my models for a shoot…”

 

Junhoe felt proud and flattered ; he had never thought he would model one day, though he considered himself as more than just “not that bad looking”.

 

“So, are you free on Saturday ? So we can go find some nice places and take pictures ? Jiwon will be there too, he’s modeling as well.”

“Oh ? He is ?”, Junhoe raised an eyebrow, more out of curiosity than out of pure surprise ; deep down, he had already known Jiwon would come with them.

“Yeah, I thought it would be a good idea, for my work and for both of you. It’s a nice way for the two of you to bond a bit more, I want my boyfriend and my best friend to like each other.”

 

Junhoe gulped. Here they were again. It wasn’t the first time Hanbin talked to him about getting closer to Jiwon. He understood, though ; if he were him, he’d like his lover and closest friend to hang out as well. It was totally normal after all. However, he wasn’t quite sure Hanbin would want them to be close so bad if he knew how Junhoe felt for Jiwon.

 

“We’re fine, you know.” No reaction. No twitch in his voice. No nothing. Unless pure indifference. Junhoe had learnt how to protect himself along the years his feelings had grown.

“Stop it. The two of you are so awkward, you can feel the tension whenever the two of you are in the same room.” Yes, and he was totally aware of it : he was a part of the problem. Or perhaps he was the problem.

 

Junhoe sighed ; he gave up for this time, not in the mood to argue on a subject they would eventually argue on on another day.

 

“Ok. I’ll do my best.” Hanbin’s smile meant he was pleased with what he had heard ; exactly what Junhoe wanted. Sometimes, lying wasn’t a bad thing.

 

They came back together that night, bringing home some pizzas to eat while watching soccer on TV ; the FC Barcelona was playing and Jiwon would never miss any of their games. Junhoe sat on a seat while the two love birds chilled on the couch, Hanbin wrapped in Jiwon’s arms. They were in their little world again and there was no possibility for Junhoe to be a part of it in any way ; thus, he left the room silently, pretending he had to wake up early the next day. If he had to feel lonely, he would rather feel lonely in the warmth of his bed sheets. All curled up, one of Jiwon’s shirt next to him (he would steal Jiwon’s clothes every so often to relieve his sadness and help himself fall asleep), he closed his eyes knowing the man he loved would kiss another man good night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like this story. I will update this regularly so, stay tuned and feel free to leave comments ! 
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	2. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whenever Junhoe looked at himself in the mirror, he would see yellow. They said eyes were the window to the soul ; and in the brown of his eyes, he discerned yellow. Yellow. Like jealousy. Like cowardice. Like betrayal. Like guilt. Yellow.

 

 

_Yellow : cowardice ; jealousy ; betrayal_

 

***

 

Since they had to leave early the next morning, as Hanbin wanted to shoot at dawn to seize the sun rise, Junhoe decided to go to sleep as soon as he had finished eating ; thus, after a quick shower, he jumped on his bed and hide under his sheets, ready to have some rest before what promised to be a very tiring day.

Junhoe were just about to fall asleep ; his whole body had gone numb and his mind was slowly shifting to a totally different world, where dreams could come true for a few hours. However, he got disturbed by a few stifled noises coming from the other side of the wall. Junhoe perfectly knew that pricking up his ear wasn’t a good idea ; first of all, because it was weird, and also because in his case, it would only bring him sadness. But his masochist self couldn’t help but to listen and he soon lost all hopes to ever doze well that night.

Whines and moans could be heard within the entire building now ; perhaps was he exaggerating a tiny little bit, yet, Junhoe was incapable of ignoring what was going on at this very moment. Though he usually would get over this kind of situations with earplugs and a prayer, this time was apparently meant to be different, given the sudden growing hardness he felt against his thigh. If listening was weird enough, this was absolutely horrendous.

It was not the first time he had ever got an erection thanks to Hanbin’s high-pitched screams and Jiwon’s husky grunts ; but he couldn’t bring himself to find this normal. Which was actually relieving in a way because Junhoe was pretty sure jerking off while listening to people having sex was not really socially acceptable. Junhoe had a great moral sense ; but he also had a quite disturbing bulge in between his legs and had to somehow take care of it. And Junhoe wasn’t jumping for joy at the thought of a cold shower.

And so it happened. Back laid down his matress, he let his palm caress his bare torso just enough to rouse his excitement ; it didn’t take him long to be fully hard and way quicker than he had imagined, his slender fingers were delicately wrapped around his shaft, precome leaking down his digits, his warm hand stroking up and down his reddened member. It hit him right away : mouth opened, he restrained a moan, his teeth biting down his lips so he wouldn’t get too loud. He complained a lot about Hanbin being noisy, yet, he was the same if not even more.

Junhoe soon became a panting mess, cheek resting on his pillow as he kept pleasuring himself, thumb teasing the head of his manhood. His mind had already gone too far away for him to stop, taking him to the core of his wildest dreams, so intense it was almost real ; all he saw was Jiwon. He could feel the boy’s caloused hands on his hips, his plump lips trailing wet kisses down his neck, his heavy breathing brushing over his sensitive skin. Every single trick of his imagination drove Junhoe crazy, the teen losing control of his own body almost like his lust for the one he loved was the only thing that kept him alive.

His heart beat dangerously fast as he started thrusting in between his fingers. Behind the curtain of his eyes, he fantasized : Jiwon holding tight on his thighs, spreading them wide just as he actually did to another, Junhoe begging for more. Begging for Jiwon to break him apart as he did to Hanbin, wishing he was the one clinging onto the raven-haired boy’s broad shoulders, kissing his lips and screaming his name.

Whimpers now filled the heated space of Junhoe’s bedroom ; pleasure had conquered his body, his limbs only responding to the calls of his reveries. His grip went tighter around his schaft whereas his other hand kept caressing his torso, slowly venturing down to his balls and hole, which he teased gently, causing him to shiver in need. Those same fingers went in between Junhoe’s parted lips, his tongue playing, caressing and licking his skin as if it were Jiwon’s manhood he had in his mouth ; he had dreamt of giving the boy the best head of his life since he had witnessed him getting out of the shower.

Guided by his desires and ecstasy, Junhoe’s digits slithered in between his cheeks and poked his hole again before entering slowly inside his warm body, soon going in and out, thrusting along with the vigorous twists of his wrist around his member. Once he hit this spongy, hot spot deep inside of him, Junhoe let a gasp escape his throat, a rush of adrenaline striking him ; at that very moment, he knew he was absolutely lost.

As the couple reached climax, Jiwon moaning in Hanbin’s ears though Junhoe imagined it was his and Hanbin screaming his boyfriend’s name, he came hard on his stomach. Panting heavily on his bed, white stains painting his pale skin and giving it a fascinating shine, he wondered how Jiwon looked like after sex ; he could guess the dim light kissing the boy’s sharp features, shadows wrapping his muscles like his arms would embrace Junhoe. He could easily guess how the boy would kiss him as they would come back to reality, how he would pull him into the most tender hug and cuddle him until both fell asleep.

But Junhoe was alone while the one in Jiwon’s loving arms was Hanbin. A tsunami of emotions submerged him ; as he tried his hardest to stay calm, a brave tear found the courage to run against Junhoe’s cheek as if it wanted to tell him it was ok. It was alright to be in love. It was alright to hope. No one could ever know who he fantasized about. However, the shattered pieces of Junhoe’s heart said otherwise. Wrong. It was all wrong. Junhoe was unhappy, but it was all his fault. He deserved the pain. For betraying his best friend, he deserved all the pain.

The next morning, he woke up. Grumpy as always, he snapped, saying it was nothing to worry about when Jiwon asked. The three of them went out to take the pictures Hanbin needed for his exam and overall, it went pretty well, despite Junhoe’s behavior ; the boy was clearly irritable and all of Jiwon’s attempts to make him feel better failed terribly. In fact, Junhoe was only being nice towards Hanbin, with who he talked normally and even laughed, causing for Jiwon to feel hated on, as usual and it went on all day. To the boy he loved, Junhoe was despicable : so much he only talk to him to say good night before he went to sleep after the sun had set.

 

***

 

Whenever Junhoe looked at himself in the mirror, he would see yellow. They said eyes were the window to the soul ; and in the brown of his eyes, he discerned yellow. Yellow. Like jealousy. Like cowardice. Like betrayal. Like guilt. Yellow.

Of course, Junhoe was jealous. Anyone in his situation would be. If living with a couple could make one feel lonely and more or less envious, being in love with someone who was already taken, and living with them and their boyfriend was beyond difficult to cope with. Junhoe might be more of a masochist than he thought he was.

He would try his best not to feel that way though, knowing Jiwon would never return his feelings. Moreover, Hanbin had not done anything wrong ; he had seized the opportunity Junhoe had never even believed he could try to aim for. Junhoe couldn’t possibly blame him for that. He just couldn’t. But yet, he did. He blamed him for taking the love of his life away from him. He sometimes even hated him for kissing the lips he wished he kissed, for holding the hand he wished he held. Jealousy had corrupted his soul, like Jiwon’s eyes had conquered his heart.

A coward, Junhoe was indeed. His fears always prevented him from getting what he truly wanted, so much that in the end, he stopped trying, convincing himself that what he already had was enough for him to be happy ; when he was totally aware he wasn’t. Ironically enough, he managed to fool everyone around him apart from himself.

Life was made of choices : the smallest decision one made could determine their fate. Junhoe could have chosen to seduce Jiwon. Still, he didn’t have the arrogance to pretend he could have had his chance with him. And his pride defended him to take the risk of facing rejection. Perhaps was it one of the few reasons that made him prefer to stay close to the boy and follow the couple around ; that way, he could fly near the sun but never get burnt. But that way, he would never taste the feel of the sunbeams on his skin either.

But of all these harsh feelings and self-inflicted hate, the strongest image Junhoe had of himself was the one of a traitor. As Hanbin’s best friend, he shouldn’t be feeling the way he did and then act as the boy’s confident ; it was just pure hypocrisy. Sometimes, Junhoe would wonder how on Earth he could even look at Hanbin in the eyes and pretend he had not peeped on Jiwon while they showered at the gym a few hours before. He couldn’t stand himself for that, when Hanbin trusted him with all his heart, when Hanbin offered him to live with them. After all Hanbin had done for him, after all the memories they shared, the bound they had, Junhoe was fake enough to betray the only person who had always showed him support.

Although no one chose who they fell in love with, Junhoe had been found guilty of loving the wrong man. And this, this was the worst to him. And he would never forgive himself for it.

 

***

 

It was snowing outside. Junhoe glanced through the window, his gaze following the falling flakes until they touched the ground and vanished ; he wished it would not melt right away. The boy loved winter : the season was synonym of warm, cosy evenings spent watching TV and sipping hot cocoa under a blanket and to him, there wasn’t anything better. He loved the snow : this pure white cloak covering the fading colors of fall made him feel at peace, all his pain miraculously disappearing.

He recalled falling in love with winter at the same time he fell in love with Jiwon. He had met the boy in January, transferring schools from America to Korea being a bit complicated. He would remember that day for the rest of his life : Jiwon’s sun-kissed skin under the snow shined like gold under a rain of diamonds. Since that day, Junhoe had been waiting for winter to arrive as soon as the trees started losing their leaves.

Hanbin, bags filled with groceries in his arms, entered the flat bumping against the wall, thus forcing Junhoe to emerge from his bubble. The latter came to help his best friend, a happy grin on his face : snow truly brought joy in him. That made Hanbin happy as well, since he had found Junhoe a bit down these days.

 

“It’s snowing outside”, Hanbin commented, though he knew his best friend had certainly spent the entire day against the window frame to watch Mother Nature’s spectacle.

“Finally”, Junhoe sighed in relief ; his heartache was so far away at this moment.

 

Indeed, the snow had an effect on the boy Hanbin wished he had ; an enthusiastic Junhoe was way easier to deal with than a grumpy Junhoe. That night, everything went so well Hanbin kept smiling the entire time ; never did Junhoe snap after one of Jiwon’s comments, and the two of them even sat on the same couch, joking and fooling around like two friends would.

It wasn’t like it never happened, though, but Hanbin cherished these rare moments where the two most important of his life got along and enjoyed each other’s company. In fact, Jiwon liked Junhoe a lot and was willing to get closer to him ; the latter was playing hard to get or at least, that was how the couple interpreted his behavior. Most of the time, Hanbin would take his defense and justify his coldness by assuring Jiwon that his best friend only needed time to relax around people and fully trust them.

Before they all went to sleep, after quite a fun night spent in front of one of Jiwon’s favorite movie (Junhoe had insisted they watched it, causing Hanbin to smile), Hanbin asked Junhoe to come with him for a smoke. Despite the wind and the cold, they ended up on their tiny balcony, Hanbin leaning against the wall as he lit his cigarette ; at his face, Junhoe could tell the boy was pleased and in a way, that made him happy as well. For a few second, no one dared to speak, as if they were afraid of disturbing the tranquility of this wintery night, eyes talking for both of them. Honestly, Hanbin didn’t even really need to speak at all ; his best friend knew what he was going to be told. But he said it anyway.

 

“I’m so fucking proud of you, man. I wished you’d be that way with him every day.” Hanbin was clearly beyond happy, his smirk so big Junhoe could see each of his teeth ; his grin may look cute, he conceded, but not as bright as Jiwon’s angelic smile.

“I don’t really get what you mean, you know.” Junhoe shrugged, a bit too shy to even admit to himself that he had got closer to Jiwon that night.

“You totally get what I mean. Anyway. Thank you so much.” And then he hugged him, tight against his chest ; Hanbin had always been quite touchy-feely, though now he would mostly dedicate his little caresses and hugs to his boyfriend.

“See, I love you guys so much, I just want you to love each other just as much as I do.” Hanbin whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek gently.

 

Junhoe smiled softly, nodding as Hanbin let go of him. They heard a knock on the window frame : Jiwon was there, waiting for his lover to join him to bed. Thus, the latter greeted Junhoe good night before leaving him alone, wrapping his arm around Jiwon’s neck as they shared a tender kiss. Though only a glass wall separated Junhoe from the two boys, it seemed like they lived on two different worlds : on this tiny little balcony, under the beautiful, dark sky of the night, Junhoe’s heart broke one more time.

 

***

 

Jiwon and Hanbin were gone for the weekend, leaving Junhoe alone in their apartment, free to do whatever he wanted to without having to pay attention not to bother them. Thus, he did what any guy having an entire flat free of people would do : he got laid. After all, don’t humans all have needs ? He did.

It all went like it usually did though, this time, he brought the guy home instead of returning home at dawn. Junhoe had gone to his favorite bar and picked the one he thought matched his type the best : he wouldn’t choose anybody. The boy was hot and manly, almost as tall as him, his shoulders wide, his body muscular and his features sharp… Any resemblance to an existing person being absolutely coincidental, of course.

He had lots of fun that night and he might even consider it as one of the best sexual encounters he had ever had, until a certain name, which appeared not to be the guy’s, slipped of his throat between his moans, his head back as he rode the man’s shaft through his orgasm. It sure killed the whole entire mood and Junhoe soon forgot about a second round ; instead, the boy started to ask all the questions he didn’t want to answer and eventually got kicked out the apartment by one grumpy, and desperately in love Junhoe.

After a quick shower, Junhoe ended up calling his friend Jinhwan ; it wasn’t that late anyway. The latter came, and they spent the entire night playing video games like they used to do on the weekends (and the weekdays) back in high school. However, the atmosphere was still a bit awkward : Jinhwan tried his hardest to act as if everything was alright but he could feel Junhoe was bothered. And unlike the previous guy, Junhoe would never dare kick him out, which gave Jinhwan a great advantage.

 

“So. Tell me what’s going on in this head of yours”, he asked, then repeated since Junhoe wouldn’t deign to answer. “Don’t try with me boy, you’ll lose.”

 

The boy was known to be quite stubborn and would not let Junhoe go before he had told him everything. He didn’t even had to dig deep for the younger to open up anyway.

 

“I just need to get him out of my head. But I see him everywhere. Like. Everywhere. I can’t even get laid properly. It’s just insane.”

 

Jinhwan gulped. Of course he knew about Junhoe’s feelings. He even was the only one to know : within the hours they would spend together, they would always end up talking about Jiwon somehow. It was, in a way, the only possibility Junhoe had to relieve himself from the burden of his love. As the older one in their duo, Jinhwan felt the responsibility to listen to Junhoe whenever the boy, or himself, thought it was needed. And that night, it was needed.

 

“I think you should just… Try to move on, you know. You’ll find someone who’ll love you one day. You’re wasting your time here, dude.”

 

That was why he would always tell him, and Junhoe would always answer that it was way harder to do than to say ; it wasn’t as if he had never tried to move on. He just never succeeded. No guy ever reached Jiwon’s level to his eyes. No guy would ever. This whole talking situation was pointless to him.

Jinhwan left in the early morning, both guys wanting to get a little sleep after all. When he was alone, Junhoe sighed, his back against the door and his hands still on the handle ; that was when he let his tears flow against his cheeks for a short moment. He didn’t like to cry. He didn’t like to be vulnerable. But Jinhwan had taught him that sometimes, a few sobs were fine.

Before he finally went to his room, he stopped by Hanbin and Jiwon’s ; he ignored the ruffled sheets and the couple’s photographs to head to Jiwon’s closet. He let his hands caress the boy’s clothes as he chose carefully the piece he would take away with him : his eyes landed on a large sweatshirt whose fabric felt so soft against his palm he couldn’t resist the urge to unfold it. Eyes closed as if he wanted to focus only on the touch. It felt so sweet, Junhoe could perfectly picture how comfy it would be to cuddle with Jiwon wearing it. But most importantly, the clothing smelled like him.

That night, Junhoe fell asleep in his own bed, but with Jiwon’s hoodie hugged tight against his chest, the smell of summer and cinnamon lulling him until his dreams took him away from reality. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this 2nd chapter ! Let me know what you think in the comments :)  
> Things are going to escalate soon... Stay tuned !
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	3. Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The entire night was green. Green like youth ; like how the four of them danced together in between two shots of soju. Green like the light feeling of happiness that lulled Junhoe, taking him to the border between dreams and reality. 
> 
> [TW] : mention of alcohol. Please, if you ever drink, make sure to be safe and not to abuse of it.

 

 

_Green : youth ; recklessness ; misfortune_

 

 

***

 

 

Discretion was Junhoe’s second name. He could easily hide anywhere, turn into a ghost and disappear, act so that no one could notice him. He also was a champion at concealing his feelings : no one had ever realized that Junhoe’s speeches about his love life were mostly lies. No one had ever understood he had liked the same guy for seven long years. Except from Jinhwan, and the boy had promised he would keep the secret until the day he died, nobody knew.

But no matter how expensive one’s mask could be, no matter how prodigious one’s acting could be, there was always a certain time during which they dropped their guard. There were always mistakes ; little ones, some that could be stay unseen for days, months, even years. Yet, the truth would always come out eventually.

Spring had shyly started to show up. It was late March and the trees had started to bloom : Junhoe loved the smell of flowers and the fresh air of winter slowly fading away. At that particular time of the year, he would go for a walk every morning, just as he did that day. It made him feel at peace with himself, something that didn’t happen that often and was truly appreciated. Something that he needed, even though he tried to act like it wasn’t the case in any way. Junhoe was a proud boy ; he should hate to display any sign of weakness.

Therefore, it seemed like a perfect day ; he had no class and was ready to enjoy every little second of rest he could have. However, the stars must have suddenly aligned to transform his lovely, tranquil day in a pure nightmare because as soon as he opened the door to his apartment to come face to face with Hanbin, sat around the kitchen table and eyes as dark as as the abysses, he knew something was wrong.

Junhoe was about to reach to a chair and sit next to his friend, somehow feeling like he had to, when Hanbin stood up abruptly, his face stoody and his smile non-existent. A quick glance around him and Junhoe recognize a familiar piece of clothing laying down the surface of the table and literally froze into place. As he started to slowly panic on the inside, he tried his hardest to keep calm and serene, looking rather at anything else but the green hoodie he had stolen from Jiwon’s closet two months ago.

Between the two standing men, tension was palpable, though Junhoe still pretended like there was nothing going on. Both of them looking at the other, all intense glares and clenched jaws, the confrontation had begun, both males waiting for the other to speak first ; but Junhoe had never been the brave one, never been courageous enough to confront things. He would always endure them. Thus, his strategy wasn’t about attack and as soon as Hanbin understood he would never get anything from his best friend if he didn’t worm it out from him, he firmly and fully took control of the situation.

 

“What was Jiwon’s hoodie doing under your pillow ?”

 

If a hole had suddenly pierced the floor and swallowed him entirely, it would have been the exact same feeling. Hanbin’s voice sounded weird : the boy seemed so naive, yet Junhoe could sense an ounce of annoyance in his tone, which didn’t mean any good. No one ever wanted to face an angry Hanbin. Especially not Junhoe, since he was so close to him he noticed the real look of his anger ; his best friend would only tiptoe around people he didn’t know enough for him to let go of his natural politeness. In other words, it was not going to be a fun ride. Not at all.

Junhoe gulped. The truth was, he had no idea what to say ; he had never thought he would ever have to deal with such a situation. In his almost perfect plan to live his life and cope with his feelings on his own, there were a few flaws he didn’t bother to pay attention to, too preoccupied with granting himself a bit of leniency among all the pressure he was used to putting on himself. And of course, he had not imagined how he would react if he ever got caught. And Hanbin wasn’t stupid ; he must have understood by now, thanks to Junhoe’s long hesitation, that the boy hadn’t borrowed Jiwon’s hoodie just because he was cold. When Junhoe tried to talk, desperately searching for some arguments to defend himself, his best friend had already interrupted him.

 

“Did you have sex with him ?”

 

“ _If only I had_ ”, he thought, restraining a laugh, though this was definitely not the right time to mock his friend, whose face had turned a vivid red. He had the nasty habit to scoff whenever he felt threatened : it was part of his defense mechanism. Knowing his behavior might irritate his best friend even more, Junhoe didn’t dare to look down at Hanbin’s fist ; he feared it was clenched and ready to punch him in the face. His eyes were eloquent enough and the cold tone of his voice meant everything. Literally boiling with anger, Hanbin repeated, clearly annoyed by Junhoe’s silence.

 

“Did you have sex with my boyfriend ?”

 

Hanbin sounded so calm, yet, he was ready to explode and the contrast of it all was nothing but awfully disturbing to Junhoe, obviously taken aback by the entire scene. Nervous, his heart racing and his breathing becoming shallow with the anticipation, he eventually responded, mumbling a few words.

 

“I would never have done that, Hanbin. Never.” Junhoe sighed heavily, looking at his feet, ashamed as if what he was hiding was worse than what Hanbin imagined. The latter seemed to relax a little bit.

“Why would you have his clothes under your pillow then ?” The boy started to lose it, impatience building inside his core ; Junhoe could tell by the way his upper lip twitched and his eyes darkened.

“If I had slept with him, it’s not a hoodie you would have found.”

 

“ _Fair enough_.” Hanbin thought but he kept it for himself. He was way more interested in getting to know the truth rather than letting Junhoe win the argument, not to mention he didn’t really like the way the boy started to feel confident enough to crack some cynic jokes about it. Thus, he added, his tone still very pointed, making sure he was still the dominant one there :

 

“Then what the fuck was that hoodie doing under your pillow ?”

 

Junhoe looked like he just wanted it all to end ; he looked like he would never answer Hanbin. At some point, it got the latter fuming and Junhoe eventually found himself pinned against the wall, forced to talk if he didn’t want to blend foundation and powder all around his eye for the next few days. But the boy was daring ; insolently daring. Or perhaps was it the pride, this treacherous attribute, this deadly sin that made Junhoe react this way, all cockiness and sarcasm. Anyway, his lips remained shut.

Yet, if Junhoe didn’t say a single word and if his entire body screamed an arrogant confidence, his eyes spoke a totally different language ; as if at the bottom of his heart, Junhoe wanted Hanbin to understand. And he did. The boy had always been quite smart and unlike Junhoe, he wasn’t so dense he couldn’t read in people’s feelings, though he had spent seven years being absolutely oblivious. But now, Hanbin had all the evidences and all the clues to resolve the case. And when the truth hit him, he was so shocked he let go of the culprit’s collar with shaky hands.

 

“You… have a crush on him.”

 

Junhoe stayed still and quiet but his eyes now avoided the look of Hanbin’s, this slight elusion betraying him fully. In a way, he felt relieved, like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders and on the other hand, he felt awfully exposed, vulnerable and guilty, which he hated. He desperately wanted to talk and defend himself, his arrogance now vanished within the mist of his lies. However, despite his timid attempt to speak up, Hanbin was the one to disturb the silence one more time.

 

“Since when.”

 

It wasn’t even a question, or at least it didn’t sound that way. More than he wanted to know, Hanbin seemed like he needed to know. Maybe to reassure himself ; maybe because he saw Junhoe as a threat. Maybe because he wasn’t that confident about his relationship ? Junhoe didn’t dare to think that far. But he felt he owed his best friend a real admission now that he appeared like a traitor.

 

“Since he arrived.”

 

Three words. Three little words and it had the impact of a meteorite. Hanbin had stepped backwards, glancing anywhere but to Junhoe, still processing the entire meaning of such a confession. The oh-so assertive, strutting boy from five minutes ago had turned into panic mode, which was pretty surprising and weirdly satisfying for Junhoe, who appeared to be the dominant one for once. The boy took advantage of it and as if to make Hanbin pay for all the years of pain he had to go through, began a rant, every words of it stabbing his best friend right in the heart.

 

“I’ve been in love with him for seven years.”

 

Junhoe had made sure to insist on those last two words. He didn’t really get why he suddenly acted like that when he knew, deep down, that his best friend had done nothing wrong except for loving the same guy as him ; and eventually dating him, but it was all Junhoe’s fault. Hanbin wasn’t the one to blame for his own lack of confidence. He knew what he said wasn’t right but the boy couldn’t resist the need to free himself from his resentment. He had kept it all for himself for too long now ; and it was too late to ever go back, so why not continue.

Perhaps was it jealousy, perhaps was it bitterness, but Junhoe, despite him fully knowing Hanbin had never meant to hurt him in any way, loved the way his best friend’s face cracked with the smallest confession he made. He loved that it made him feel empowered. He loved that baffled look Hanbin bore. The way it made Hanbin doubt ; the way the boy seemed so confused was absolutely exquisit to Junhoe. It was his revenge for always playing the third wheel, for always being left behind, for having to be a best friend when all he wanted was to oust the boy and take his place in Jiwon’s arms.

 

“Seven years.”

 

He repeated on purpose, and Hanbin looked even more hurt. Perhaps did he do that only to make Hanbin believe his feelings weren’t relevant compared to Junhoe’s long-lasting, unrequited love. Only to belittle Hanbin’s dedication to Jiwon, when no one could love the boy more than Junhoe. No one. Absolutely no one could ever love Jiwon more than he did.

 

“But I’m the one he loves.”

 

Too preoccupied by the healing, almost cathartic feeling finally confessing brought him, Junhoe didn’t expect Hanbin to retaliate so quickly. It would be lying to say that it didn’t hurt. But Junhoe’s heart had been broken for years ; crushing the few pieces left didn’t make that big of a difference. Yet, the sad expression of Junhoe’s eyes, the way it looked like crashing waves slowly dying against the shore, was enough for Hanbin to be satisfied. And as if this entire scene had been planned from the beginning by the most fiendish of all producers, the curtain fell on Jiwon entering the theater.

The boy hadn’t heard anything ; at least it appeared so as he greeted Junhoe with a joyful hello and walked to the table to find his hoodie, stating that “he had been searching for it for months” and “was glad it had somehow reappeared”, only to pull his boyfriend into a warm embrace and a chaste kiss right in front of Junhoe. One more time, the latter had to witness Hanbin’s victory ; but for the first time ever, Hanbin also knew he was winning. And granted himself the pleasure to annihilate any surviving hopes Junhoe could have. His lips tightened in a slight, almost malicious grin, he tiptoed to reach Jiwon’s neck and whisper in his ear, yet loudly enough for Junhoe to pick up every words ; Jiwon, credulous as always, let himself go and followed his boyfriend to the bedroom, not imagining at all he had been standing in the middle of a battlefield, even less that he was the object of the fight.

The door closed on Hanbin winking vilely to Junhoe as his hands traveled down Jiwon’s spine, leaving him alone in the living room with Hanbin’s voice echoing in his mind like a scratched record. “But I’m the one he loves”. “Let’s make love, Jiwon”.

 

***

 

On the evening of March 30th, around 8 o’clock, Junhoe was about to jump in the car and party all night long ; the truth was, he truly needed to take his mind off things. Five days had passed since what he had called “the incident” and despite an official make up between both Hanbin and him, the atmosphere wasn’t as cool as before, not that Junhoe ever thought it would all come back to normal. In fact, he even was thankful the situation had not got worse. After all, if someone had learnt to be content with the smallest things all through his life, it was for sure Junhoe.

They had not really talked about it ; they mostly agreed on the fact that Jiwon would never know about Junhoe’s feelings. It was the latter who brought this solution up and Hanbin had been more than pleased with the idea, obviously not very keen on telling his boyfriend another men loved him. If it was a proof of Hanbin’s self-consciousness, Junhoe didn’t bother raising his hopes as he could have done before. He had promised his best friend, and himself, to stay where he belonged : which meant, on the other side of the bedroom wall, alone.

Thus, when came Friday night, it was more or less enthusiastically that the three roommates took Jiwon’s car and drove to Jinhwan’s flat, where the latter had organized a small party for Junhoe’s birthday, which happened to be the next day. Both Hanbin and Junhoe didn’t talk a lot during the ride, Jiwon filling up for the two, the boy always too extravagant and extrovert when it came to partying. When they reached Jinhwan’s place though, Junhoe relaxed right away, a few drinks helping him to feel at ease of course.

They might have been just the four of them, but it was just enough for them to be happy ; they weren’t the type of guys to hang around with a lot of friends. They were a little family, as close to each other as one can get, their bound so solid none of them saw the years coming as a threat to their friendship. And despite a few dramas here and there, and one pretty recent to say the least, they would stay together, like a family did ; the thought reassured Junhoe, whom slept had been quite disturbed the past few nights. The boy felt bad for what he did to Hanbin. He had feared he might have gone too far and risked his relationship with the elder. Such a nice and intimate gathering made all these fears irrelevant ; and right at that moment, as if to confirm Junhoe’s thoughts, Hanbin smiled to him. A shy smile, in which Junhoe didn’t find forgiveness, but a smile. And it was enough.

By the end of the night, it was all vivid lights, loud music and happy chants ; alcohol had made its job to confuse minds and bring bodies closer, laughter echoing throughout the room as time passed by. Jinhwan kept Junhoe occupied, not letting go of the other’s arm, mostly to prevent him from glancing at the two lovebirds who, even though they weren’t making out on the couch yet, had become a bit demonstrative : it was Junhoe’s night and he didn’t want him to feel down on the eve of his birthday. Yet, maybe for the first time of his life, Junhoe didn’t seem to mind that much ; his heart might have been aching too hard for him to even care anymore.

The entire night was green. Green like youth ; like how the four of them danced together in between two shots of soju. Green like the light feeling of happiness that lulled Junhoe, taking him to the border between dreams and reality. Now that he thought of it, if he had suffered a lot during the seven years of him loving a man who did not see him as anything more than a friend, he also had the chance to meet three amazing friends, live some crazy experiences and he cherished all of that. In times like these, when nothing but the nice feeling of being a part of a family mattered, he could sometimes surprise himself by thinking that it was worth all the pain ; that everything happened for a reason.

Green like recklessness ; because when surrounded by loved ones, one often let themselves go with the flow, not bothering to think of the consequences. That was how Jiwon and Hanbin ended up kissing way to floppily to even be pleasurable ; at least, it was Junhoe’s opinion, though he didn’t know if he could do any better given how drunk he was. For a second, he thought of doing the same with Jinhwan, yet the other was a straight as a ruler and even if he wasn’t, it would not make Jiwon jealous like Junhoe would like to. Jiwon would not even notice they were kissing. Jiwon never really noticed Junhoe.

Green like misfortune ; because sometimes, it was too late to even try to think of the consequences and people got hurt. Sometimes, actions lead to regrets rather than to bliss. That was how Junhoe’s heart had become a heap of shattered glass. That was how Junhoe had almost lost his best friend a few days ago. That was how someone could lose their life.

 

***

 

At the end of the night, three guys exited the apartment they had spent the evening partying, soju, gin and vodka more than blood running through their veins. They were about to leave together when one decided he would rather walk a bit to get some fresh air before heading back home ; their flat wasn’t that far anyway. Indeed, the cold of a March 31st early morning brought some brightness to the mist of his reflections.

Home. Water. A shower even. The couch. Then, sleep. Red and blue lights. One body laying down, Morpheus’ arms hugging him tight. The nice smell of cinnamon. The road. A car. A tree. A green hoodie. Raven locks. Black out. Eyes open, eyes closed. Sweat running down a bloody temple. Shaking hands, heavy breathing. Youth. Recklessness. Misfortune. Scattered bits and pieces. White walls, haste and wires. Sweet dreams and some deserved rest. Panic and tears. 5 o’clock. A phone call. A crashing world and a broken heart.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess what happened ? How do you think the story will unfold ?
> 
> Anyway, here was the third chapter ! I hope you guys liked it. Please, let me know what you think in the comments section below :) 
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	4. Black [TW !]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ironic it was, that the only bright color he knew then was the vivid rush of sorrow. 
> 
> Everything had turned pitch black.

 

 

_Black : death ; despair ; sorrow ; emptiness_

 

***

 

He saw nothing but red and blue lights ; couldn’t hear nothing but the nonstoping noise of the ambulance’s siren. He didn’t feel anything but a terrible pain causing him to choke every time he attempted to breathe. And in his mouth, the bitter, metallic taste of blood. He couldn’t move his legs at all, them being stuck under the airbag. His upper body ached terribly too, making it so hard for him to even hold out his left arm ; his right side was laying against the window frame, pieces of scattered glass scratching his naked skin, piercing it until red drops appeared. In front of him, he only perceived a thick shadow, his vision too blurred to really discern anything ; that is when he understood. His mind went directly to his boyfriend, whose face was resting against the wheel, brown locks sticking to his forehead, eyes closed and red staining his cheeks. He panicked, tried to escape from the car, tried to aim for his lover’s seatbelt, tried to help him… But he could feel his strength leaving him. He struggled to breathe, but it felt like oxygen didn’t even get to his lungs. And before he even could realize what was going on, he lost consciousness.

 

***

 

Never in his entire life had he thought he would someday get such a traumatizing call. This was typically the kind of situations one believed only happened to others ; thus, no one on Earth was mentally prepared to pick up the phone at 5 in the morning, to a nurse asking them to come as quickly as possible because a loved one got themselves in a car crash. Or in Junhoe’s particular case, two loved ones. A best friend, and a man he had fallen for. After the nurse had hung up, the boy had immediately called for a cab to take him to the hospital, not taking a single second to process things ; he was incapable of doing so anyway, his mind too worked up, too busy trying to figure out how such a tragedy could have happened. During the entire drive to the clinic, Junhoe couldn’t help but think, his brain never shutting down even though he secretly wished it would ; it was too hard, too painful to cope with and Junhoe knew he had slowly started to go crazy under all the pressure and anxiety. Were his friends alright, he wondered while praying whoever lived up there for them not to be injured. Should he had stayed with them, he questioned, perhaps it could have prevented the car to crash into a tree ; he was the most sober of the three when they left Jinhwan’s flat. What was he going to do if what he feared the most was waiting for him inside the huge, greyish building piercing through the early morning fog.

It was almost midday. Junhoe had been waiting for what felt like an eternity, surrounded by disturbingly white walls, pacing the room nervously. Shades of purple softly colored the skin under his watery, swollen eyes, betraying a dreadful, grueling all-nighter. His walk made him look tipsy, another proof of an obvious emotional tiredness, and he thought of maybe taking a nap when someone eventually deigned to come to him ; he could feel the anxiety rushing through his veins, his knees shaking suddenly as his mouth went dry. It wasn’t only scare that gripped his heart ; he was mortified. He who usually kept calm in all circumstances, had lost himself to panic. Despite the harrowing knot springing in his stomach and the nauseous feeling gaining his body, he tried desperately to find comfort to his fears on the doctor’s stolid face. As the last rope to prevent him from sinking into despair.

 

“Mr Koo ?”, the surgeon asked, files in hands, as if he didn’t know who he was though they had talked hours earlier. Junhoe had no idea how he stayed calm : in front of him, a specialist, seemed so detached of everything while his heart beat so fast it made it difficult for him to breath. He just couldn’t stop overthinking.

“Kim Jiwon is going to be fine. He’s still in the operating room but we managed to stop the hemorrhage. It wasn’t too important anyway. There should not be any after-effects, which is good news. He will need to rest, though.”

 

It took a real heavy load off of Junhoe’s chest, who couldn’t refrain a sigh of relief. If it weren’t for his manners, he would have jumped on the doctor’s arms and hugged him tight ; but the latter, though he quite understood such news was reassuring, couldn’t even imagine what it meant for Junhoe to know Jiwon was alive and mostly fine. It meant he would soon see his smile again and hear the boy laugh, despite the fact he laughed thanks to another man. All of this had made Junhoe realized that although he didn’t own what he wanted, what he had was already more than enough. And that he should always be thankful for being able to stay by Jiwon’s side even if he was not as close to him as he wished. Feeling like walking on a path of clouds, his fears slowly starting to vanish, he was about to sit down and get some rest when the thought of Hanbin hit him hard ; he looked up at the surgeon, who was still standing in front of him, a wince distorting his impassive features. Junhoe’s newly built hopes soon collapsed in a few words, so simple, yet terrific.

 

“Unfortunately, Kim Hanbin didn’t survive the surgery.”

 

The world crashed on his shoulders. It took a few seconds for Junhoe to process and then he realized. The white paint on the walls dimed, dark blemishes surfacing here and there before everything turned a deep, morbid, macabre black. He turned around, lost in a maze of sadness, only to find a seat, his legs no longer able to bear his weight. “How can this be real ?”, he heard his voice scream in grief whilst tears silently stained his reddened cheeks. Ironic it was, that the only bright color he knew then was the vivid rush of sorrow. Everything had turned pitch black. In total shock, he didn’t even listen to what the surgeon kept telling him. There was only one thing that kept echoing in his mind. One, awful thought that turned into a heartbreaking obsession.

Hanbin had passed away. His best friend. His confident. His alibi. He was gone. Junhoe was left alone and he was gone.

 

***

 

The sun caressed his face warmly. Through the window frame, he could guess the vivid blue of the sky and the sweet, flowery scent of early spring. It really was a beautiful day, he thought, the irony of it making his lips tighten in a crooked smile ; his fingers ghosted slowly over the rays of light piercing through the glass before he let his hand fell on his hospital bed, still needy for some rest. A sigh escaped his dry mouth as his eyes looked away from the outside world : it was too hard for him to enjoy a bit of quietness. Even harder when all he could think of was his boyfriend.

Jiwon had not got any rest since he woke up from the anesthesia. He hadn’t been able to sleep, even for the shortest time, his mind too worked up for him to close his eyes and just let go. More than worry, it was a terrific feeling of ignorance and helplessness that had taken over the poor boy’s heart, who, lying on his bed, couldn’t do anything but look at the white ceiling and pray for Hanbin to be safe. Whenever a nurse would enter his room, the only words he would grant them were about his lover ; where was he ? Was he fine ? But no one ever responded. They probably didn’t know anything either, as they kept telling him the doctor would be able to answer all his questions when he would come to visit him. But the latter was quite late, at least, too late in Jiwon’s opinion. “Please, be patient”, they kept telling him. But how on Earth was he supposed to wait, when his boyfriend could be in any condition possible. Losing himself to pure psychological torture, Jiwon remained still and silent, hoping for the next person to open the door to be a surgeon.

From the corridor, Junhoe had spent his entire afternoon thinking about Jiwon, visualizing how the boy must have been looking ; or at least, he tried to. He figured the boy would be badly injured, though he had been told the wounds were mainly superficial, and a slight shiver of apprehension trailed down his spine when he came to reach for the door handle. In a certain way, his main wish was to see Jiwon alive and fine after the awful vision of Hanbin’s pale, lifeless body but yet, the boy felt so scared, all strength seemed to had left his limbs, leaving him still, facing the door. He chose to knock first instead, shudders intensifying with each little hit ; the last thing he wanted to do was to disturb the wounded man while he tried to get some very needed rest. Besides, it gave him more time to think of what he could tell his friend before finally entering the room. Something like, “how are you feeling ?” would be most fitting, yet, Junhoe found the words so stupid since it would be more than obvious, that Jiwon wouldn’t be doing alright. His body had to ache terribly despite his injuries being allegedly light, Junhoe assumed. And more than his body, such an awful accident certainly had shaken the boy’s sanity.

However, as soon as the door closed behind him, it was an overly excited, but definitely not in a good way, and rather anxious Jiwon who welcomed him with a husky, halting voice ; Junhoe had not even had the time to get closer to the hospital bed that he was already harassed with questions, those hurting him even more than he was as he realized what was going on.

 

“Where’s Hanbin ? Is he fine ? Oh Junhoe, if you only knew, I’m so sorry.... I never wanted this to happen…”

 

Junhoe had never heard Jiwon speak with such a distraught, heartbroken tone and it hit him so hard he felt his knees weaken for the umpteenth time this day ; he didn’t answer at first, the young man fighting for his tears not to flow right away. Instead, he shifted his attention to the bandages wrapped around Jiwon’s upper left arm and the stitches on his lip and temple. His skin was colored a dark purple on some places, but what Junhoe’s eyes witnessed confirmed what the doctor had told him ; there had been at least one lucky star watching over them that night, he bitterly thought as Jiwon’s desperate tone brought him back to reality.

 

“Junhoe, please, tell me how is Hanbin, I know you must know”, the boy literally pleaded him to speak, tears threatening from running down his stained cheeks, “the doctor hasn’t come yet and it appears nobody in this fucking hospital can tell me !”

 

Jiwon’s sudden rush of slight anger, though Junhoe took it as a brutal, yet pure form of sadness, felt like an arrow piercing through his heart. His throat tightened, each letter stabbing him deep in the stomach as he did his best to articulate through his nascent sobs.

 

“Jiwon, Hanbin is…”

 

But Jiwon’s panic interrupted him ; exhausted and overwhelmed, the man’s feelings exploded in front of Junhoe who, standing idly in the middle of the room, couldn’t do anything but to listen to his friend’s expression of guilt, grief, worry and fear.

 

“It all happened so suddenly, I lost control of the car, I tried to avoid the tree but it was too late… Oh my God, I’m so sorry…”

 

Stating it hurt to see Jiwon being so sad would be an euphemism ; although it didn’t hurt because of all the undeniable love for Hanbin Junhoe could discern in Jiwon’s eyes, whose last few sparkles were dedicated to him only. His last hopes were for Hanbin’s laugh and Hanbin’s smile. His final prayers were for him to hold Hanbin in his arms again. And it hurt Junhoe to be the one to destroy his only wish. It killed him to have to break the boy’s heart ; the boy he loved and cared so much for. At that very moment, he cursed the entire world for this tragedy. He even blamed God, or whoever lived up there he thought, for taking away Jiwon’s source of happiness and abandoning the boy, leaving him distraught and broken, his heart shattered. With the little strength he had left, Junhoe whispered, his voice so soft yet, it had the feeling of a knife flaying fresh skin, leaving a bitter and disgusting taste in his mouth.

 

“Jiwon… Hanbin is… He’s gone…”

 

Junhoe had expected the boy to scream and burst into tears but none of that happened. Instead, Jiwon remained strangely quiet, voice silent and body still, though despite his calm appearance, the boy could perceive the thin crevices of a mask slowly cracking. He saw Jiwon’s hands were shaking as well, just as his own. His injured lips tried to part too, but barely moved : he seemed totally knocked out by an immeasurable pain. When Junhoe took a small step forward is when he noticed Jiwon’s dark eyes had gone pitch black. The stars he used to see in them had vanished, his iris now turned into a deep, bottomless abyss of distress.

In the room, silence had become unbearable to Junhoe who, even though he had no idea how to act to comfort someone, sincerely wanted to help. That is why he had got closer to the edge of the bed, his gaze on Jiwon’s lying body, hoping his presence might be reassuring, even for the slightest bit. Struggling to find the right words, though Junhoe was convinced there were no such thing as “right words” for this, he talked, his sadness giving him trouble articulating, and his tone so low the end of his sentence died in a whisper.

 

“Jiwon I’m sorry, I’m really sorry I… I’m there for you, you know I am.” He told the boy, whose grief he could read as he fell once again in his eyes, only to be sucked in by a black hole of sorrow. Junhoe stood next to Jiwon’s bed, awkwardly reaching for his hand only for the boy to brutally avoid his touch, not even deigning to look at him in the eyes.

“Leave me alone.”

 

It stabbed Junhoe right at the heart but he kept silence, his eyes screaming instead. “Why ?”, he wondered, “why won’t you let me stay by your side ?”, he pleaded, but none of these questions were spoken out. The only thing he had ever wished for was to stay by Jiwon’s side forever, no matter what could happen. It had worked well for years, his friendship with Hanbin ironically giving him the chance to be close to the one he loved the most though he would never get as close as he hoped. But now that Hanbin was gone, would he have to leave too ? Such a thought turned his blood to ice and he had to bite his tongue not to cry out of despair. For so long had he secretly and shamely wished for Hanbin to go so he could have Jiwon for himself. And now that he had lost his best friend forever, he feared he might be abandoned twice on the same day. He couldn’t bear it. He wasn’t strong enough. He had cope with a lot for the most of his teen years and now it felt like it was way too much. Junhoe snorted and gathered is last bits of courage, little sobs escaping his mouth as he tried to speak again ; yet it sounded more like a whimper.

 

“Jiwon, please…”

 

He couldn’t just let go this easily. He couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t stand still and let fate take the two persons he loved the most away from him. He couldn’t agree with the path Hanbin’s death was drawing for him. For both Jiwon and him. A selfish part of Junhoe was blaming his best friend for hurting leaving Jiwon and hurting him so much ; another, pure, naive and candide, was willing to turn back the clock and take Hanbin’s place in the car, so he could go, and his pain could go with him. So he could continue to see Jiwon’s bright smile forever from the heavens. Now, it felt like it was all over. Like he would end up alone and sad, even more than before.

 

“I said leave me alone ! Get out !”

 

The boy shouted, so loudly Junhoe felt the walls shake, the veins on Jiwon’s forehead twitching under his raising anger. Junhoe gulped ; he would hate to admit he frightened him, but he did. And so he nodded, chin low and eyes to the floor, refraining his tears but these flew anyway. Facing reality always hurt ; Junhoe was well aware of that. But deep down in his heart, his delusional self had hoped for Jiwon to need him at least a little. Not to reject him so harshly.

 

“Alright, I’ll… I’ll be leaving then”, he sighed.

 

And so he surrendered, defeated, leaving a Jiwon on the verge of tears, biting his lips not to let them flow. The door closed, and he let himself fall to the ground, finally bursting into uncontrollable sobs too.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !! I am so, so, so sorry for the late update. I have been working the entire month so it has been hard for me to sit and write as regularly as I used to. Anyway, I hope the wait was worth it and that you'll enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> Please, tell me your thoughts in the comments ! See you next time :) 
> 
>  
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	5. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything had turned blue. A dull, insipid, monotonous blue. And everywhere Junhoe went to escape from his sorrow, Hanbin’s shadow followed him.

 

 

_Blue : depression ; loyalty ; trust ; protec_ _tion_

 

***

 

Jiwon eventually left the hospital and while most people would feel relieved to go back home in these circumstances, he, on the other hand, only hoped he could stay a little longer. Inside this massive building made of gray bricks, in a cold, bilious, white room in which only the whiff of death could be scent, was where he saw his beloved for the last time. Where life forced him to say farewell and leave his companion behind. Weirdly enough though, Jiwon didn’t realize Hanbin was gone until he came back to the apartment they shared with Junhoe ; somehow, being in the same odd place, within the same walls, had brought him a certain feeling of peace he wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. Perhaps was it the fact that he still could feel his presence near him. Maybe was it because he couldn’t bring himself to accept the consequences of his own mistakes. He didn’t know. The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted Hanbin back. He craved for the boy to hold his hand, kiss his lips, pull him into his warm and tender embrace. He wished he could go back in time ; he wished it had been him instead. But none of that were to come. And it was his fault. His fault only.

As he stepped into his own living room for the first time in a few days, Jiwon sensed a bizarre emotion take over his body and heart, clenching his guts and twisting them so hard he almost fell down, too weak, too sad to endure anything more. His breath was harsh and halting. Palms on the parquet floor, his knuckles turning white as he scratched the wood, he felt the ceiling crash on his shoulders ; crushed, trapped and suffocating. His heart cried. But no tears stained his cheeks. Behind him, almost as invisible as a ghost, Junhoe stood. The boy seemed to be awkwardly figuring whether to do something or not, looking at Jiwon with sorry eyes, hands shaking. Useless. That was how he felt. Despite how hard he wanted, how hard he needed to help the heartbroken man kneeling in front of him, he couldn’t. Whatever he would say wouldn’t heal Jiwon’s wounds anyway ; he knew that. So Junhoe just waited. Waited for Jiwon to stand up.

But Jiwon never did. He stayed there. On his knees, all curled up. Desperately hoping Hanbin would appear right in front of his eyes. Silently begging for a sign. Any sign. But nothing came. It became so unbearable Jiwon believed he was finally dying. But as he thought his soul was leaving his exhausted body, he felt a grip around his shoulder, and a warm strength pulling him. He didn’t look up ; leaning in the tender embrace Junhoe offered him, his temple on his chest, lulled by the slow beating of a heart only dedicated to him. But this he didn’t know. Somehow, Junhoe had found within his deepest fears, the courage to stand against his inner demons : for him to be hugging his friend this tight was an absolute miracle to him, as he would have never dared to even consider it to happen one day. But this thought didn’t even hit him. He didn’t care about that. Only a few words echoed in his mind as his fingers wandered through Jiwon’s hair. He would now devote his life to Jiwon’s happiness. No matter what it meant. That promise, he made it to his best friend. To take care of his lover, until his smile would shine as bright as the stars again. He would try his hardest.

For Hanbin’s memory.

 

***

 

Junhoe cooked for both of them that night ; they ate home-made burgers, something he knew Jiwon would like, though the boy’s appetite had shrunk these past few days. He gave it a try, however, despite the nauseous feeling twisting his stomach, and Junhoe couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud of himself. But above all, the only sight of Jiwon properly eating, even if it was only few bites, relieved him deeply. Sat at the opposite sides of the table, they didn’t talk a lot. Despite Junhoe’s attempts, Jiwon remained mostly voiceless, mumbling just a few words every now and then. The atmosphere was tense. Too tense. Junhoe’s spine stiffened with each of his breaths. His hands lightly shook whenever he would take his glass or a napkin and if he made the mistake of reaching for the water at the same time as Jiwon, he would freeze on his chair, muttering a shy “sorry”.

Jiwon looked more and more worried as the time went by and when the clock showed almost midnight and he knew he had to go to bed ; the doctor had insisted that he rested enough for him to fully recover from the shock, he literally panicked. His eyes staring blankly ahead, reading fear and despair, he silently wished for the night to never come. As he forced himself to walk towards his bedroom door ; the door Hanbin and him had passed together for years to enter a room only them had known, he finally realized, hand on the handle, that he wouldn’t be able to open and walk in. He couldn’t. His heart was about to burst, he could sense it. His blood rushing, a pressure on his chest increasing, it was all too much. So he turned around. First to sit on the couch. But then Junhoe’s sad iris met his.

Within a second, Junhoe found himself embracing Jiwon for the second time that day ; a record he would have never thought he could reach. But he kept this note to himself and stroke the nape of Jiwon’s neck, slowly comforting the boy whose nose was hidden in the crook of his shoulder.

 

“I can’t sleep in there.”

 

His voice was weak, almost cracking, unreleased sobs altering the usual soothing opera of his soft velvet tone. Junhoe could hear how tight Jiwon’s throat was, how suffocating muttering a single word was for him at the time. The man who stood so strong, the man who feared nothing, the man he had admired ever since the day they had met, that man had laid down arms and given up on any sort of artificial pride, only to turn into a nebula of ineffable grief and never-ending pain ; and Junhoe could do nothing but hug the boy tighter this time and erase the invisible tears running down his cheek.

They were both lonely together. No one, nothing to fill a bottomless gap left by a ghost. Standing in the middle of the living room, among dull lights and yellowish walls, it hit Junhoe like a crashing meteor. The sudden realization that nothing would ever be the same. The swift twist in the scenario of his, of their humdrum lives. It all had made him jump headlong in an unknown and blurry world he didn’t want to explore, yet he didn’t have the choice but to. The Gods had thrown their dices and played their cards, bringing Junhoe back from his dreamer’s delusion to a verity in which he could not escape the maze of fatality. For a second, he hoped for a boy to pass the entryway. Medium-sized, broad shoulders, tiny waist, plump, rosy lips and a forehead covered with thin bangs. His smile would brighten the sparkles in Jiwon’s eyes, and the cristalline melody of a candid laugh, reminding Junhoe of the song of a nightingale, would transform the apartment into a romantic castle from a fairytale. But the door remained closed, the dark wood not shiny anymore but gloomy, colorless.

 

“Then take my room”, the younger said, his breath caressing Jiwon’s ear with the delicacy of a veil of clouds, translucent, covering the blue of the sky. “I’ll sleep on the couch as long as you need.” Junhoe’s voice died like a whisper in the blaring wind.

 

Thus, Junhoe slept on the sofa that night, his body curled up underneath an old patchwork blanket his mother had knit for Christmas ten years ago. When came the time for him to leave the house and move in with his friends to begin a monotonous student life, she had insisted he would take it with him as a way to remember her and he had gladly accepted, just for the sake of his mother’s smile. It was just a blanket, a few crochet squares sewn together, but it made him feel safe in the hardest times. It had brought him calm and serenity when he discovered Hanbin and Jiwon were a thing and his heart broke for the first time. The motherly scent of the wool had appeased him before each of his exams. He would even sleep with it when a storm was forecast. And now it was here with him, helping him through his mourning, guiding him for the first night of a long row of restless sleep.

 

***

 

The funerals were beautiful. The church, decked with pure white roses. The sun, shining over the coffin whilst the audience recited one last prayer. A lot of people had come ; and it brought happiness to Junhoe, in a way, to see how much his best friend was loved by many. It felt neither good or bad, however, when came the time for him to say his last goodbye to a boy he had followed for most of his life. It hurt, of course ; but the wrench of the first days had slowly vanished, replaced by another form of sadness. A less violent, almost tender grief that expressed nothing but love towards the one who left. Junhoe smiled though tears couldn’t be restrained, as he spoke to the name engraved into a gray, marbled stone. He had always found it ironic, how people tended to stay attached to those who passed ; how something as small and insignificant as an urn or a grave could mean so much to people. But now alone, facing Hanbin’s final home, there was no irony in the running of things. There was just a boy and a ghost, sharing their last moment together. And Junhoe couldn’t help but feel guilty for all these times he mocked someone for not wanting to move on. Because at that very moment, Junhoe couldn’t move on. Didn’t want to.

The words he dedicated to his best friends were quite simple. He didn’t like to go too deep and explore the abysses of his feelings anyway. But despite his certain timidity, Junhoe’s speech remained of a genuine sincerity. He spoke until he felt almost transparent and Hanbin, from where he was, could read right through him. First, Junhoe apologized ; though he knew Hanbin would tell him it was all over now, he still did it. He apologized for betraying him, despite his desires never turning into actions. He then confessed to him how much he had admired him and loved him, although for all these years, he had wished he could hate him. And as a last proof of his allegiance, Junhoe promised Hanbin to never let Jiwon down. To take care of him as he would have taken care of Hanbin.

 

***

 

Weeks had passed. And though Jiwon was now in perfect health, his grief was so deep Junhoe could hear him cry even if no tears would ever fall from his eyes. The screams of his heart were loud enough, haunting their small apartment, the moon the only witness of the man’s despair.

Jiwon would spend most of his days on the couch, eyes focused on a black TV screen. He barely talked ; the few words he would grant Junhoe were a sad hello when he would enter the living room and an exhausted good night when he would leave. He didn’t follow his classes properly anymore : although the university administration had called, obviously worried since the boy had not showed up at all for almost two months, it had only been for the boy to tell them he was giving up on his degree. Junhoe would spend his nights on the sofa, Jiwon sleeping in his room. His back hurt badly but he never complained, the thought of Jiwon getting a bit of peaceful rest at least once in a while enough for him to deal with the uncomfort. It was needed, he would tell himself to ease his mind from the pain. It was worth Jiwon’s relief. Moreover, it was his duty. His promise.

Junhoe was sad too. His heart broke again and again as he replayed the doctor’s words in his mind every night and day. Even the most derisory things made Hanbin’s memory resurface ; like how the coffee pads were all mixed up now, whereas Hanbin would have sorted them by colors. It was funny, however, how the red ones remained untouched, nicely put in a separate box ; Hanbin’s. Or how Junhoe would always leave a spot in the entryway for his best friend’s shoes, a reflex he had gained through years of living with the boy and that his mind couldn’t bring him to forget about. The happy atmosphere that used to fulfill the tiny apartment was now gone, Hanbin’s soul wandering somewhere in heaven, leaving behind him pieces of scattered memories and hearts Junhoe couldn’t patch up. But it was as if the teen had never left. As if he still lived there. As if he still used the bathroom ; Junhoe had bought him shampoo, forgetting for an hour of grocery shopping, that they were only two now. As if he still watched TV, sat on his favorite spot of the couch : every Thursday night, both Jiwon and Junhoe would turn on the screen and play Hanbin’s favorite show, following the wonts they had before the boy died. As he still slept in his room, now unoccupied, the bed he shared with his lover in the exact same state as they had left it when they went to Jinhwan’s to party.

Everything had turned blue. A dull, insipid, monotonous blue. And everywhere Junhoe went to escape from his sorrow, Hanbin’s shadow followed him. Sometimes, he felt like the friend he considered a brother was watching over him. Sometimes he could feel Hanbin’s reproving look on him, as if his spirit blamed him for leaving Jiwon alone and thus, he would get back home immediately. He would trade the little free time he had left for a feeling of usefulness. For the possibility to earn a smile on Jiwon’s stony face. For this, Junhoe had long forgotten about his jiu jitsu practices. The same went for his usual gaming nights with Jinhwan ; he would still see his friend, just not as much as he used to, and most of the time, his body would be there but his mind, already far away, too preoccupied with the sake of a boy Junhoe still loved deeply. And if he didn’t have his head in the clouds, he would usually disappear in the middle of them hanging out, claiming, with a certain sparkle of pride Jinhwan could perceive in the dark of his eyes, that Jiwon needed him. Junhoe was doomed, he knew it. Doomed to take care of a man he could die for, only to witness the said boy’s pain, a terrible sorrow dedicated to another. But he didn’t mind. It was as if he loved it, even.

Junhoe had turned into a self taught cook and a very good one, to say the least, though he wouldn’t get that much praise from the one he fed every single day ; most of the time, Jiwon remained silent, plunging their little home into a deep, oppressive and consuming awkwardness. But never once did Junhoe give up on the promise he made to the ghost who kept haunting them though they desperately both tried to move on. Some nights, he would go home with the arms full of pizza boxes, and while a few weeks ago, Jiwon wouldn’t have even consider eating, now he granted himself a few pieces. On the sunny days of spring, the teen would insist to take his friend to the park, so he could get some fresh air and get back to the real world ; Jiwon had accepted once, after what appeared to Junhoe like an eternity of negotiations, but it already felt like a victory to him, who feared his friend would never dare to look outside the window anymore. However, only half the battle had been won and both still had a lot to go through.

It wasn’t like Jiwon was dragging Junhoe down. The latter said it himself, he was perfectly fine. A bit tired, perhaps, but fine. The one Jiwon dragged down was himself, and Junhoe was trying everything to prevent the worst from happening. It meant no hanging out, no dates, no nothing. But it was all worth it, Junhoe thought. Because that way, Junhoe could redeem himself to Hanbin, honor his memory and show him the good friend he really was. But also, and though it was the main reason Junhoe enjoyed looking after Jiwon so much he forgot about his personal life, he would never truly admit it or even understand it himself, his actions lead by a noble and sincere worry and love, it brought him closer to the boy. Each second spent next to the boy, holding his hand for an instant, stroking his back lightly, letting him know that he was not alone and could count on someone brought him closer to Jiwon, whose shield slowly started to crack, small fissures appearing on the marble of his mask, so ridiculously tiny no one could notice them yet ; but they were there and had a meaning. It was just too early for Junhoe to decode them.

 

***

 

It was a beautiful day in the middle of July and the sun shined bright in the sky, a blazing yellow veil in a celestial blue sea. Junhoe had joined Jinhwan for a drink, taking a bit of a break from whatever he had been doing that day. He hadn’t told anyone, but it had actually been weeks since he had gone out of his flat, apart from his weekly grocery shopping session. However, thanks to a sixth sense Jinhwan had always claimed to have and surely possessed, indeed, the elder had guessed right away. Maybe thanks to Junhoe’s unkempt appearance. The boy was pretty much betrayed by his uncombed hair, his five o’clock shadow and an ugly sweater Jinhwan swore hadn’t been washed for days. It couldn’t have possibly been worse. Even the ridiculous amount of deodorant Junhoe had sprayed himself with didn’t make up for him looking like a hobo. As a friend, he had to do something. It was about time.

 

“You really should go out a little. Meet people, you know, hang out, date, fuck, all that shit. That’s what normal people do.”, the boy said, all serious, glancing at him in an almost uncomfortable way, which made Junhoe wonder if there was something on his face.

 

Junhoe didn’t have to look at Jinhwan to guess the boy was concerned. But to be fair, he didn’t care at all. All he cared about was rest. And the food he should be bringing home that night for Jiwon. He had thought of sushis at first but then remembered that his friend hated whatever came from the sea ; thus, ramyeon it would be. With that, he was sure to get it right.

 

“You’ve told me that like, one thousand times ? Jinhwan. You know I can’t.” He sighed, absent-mindedly stirring the sugar in his coffee.

“You can’t let this situation get to you like this either. Move on.”

 

The bags under his eyes told more than his mouth, which mostly remained shut ; the boy was tired. Exhausted. Psychologically abused, almost. He had been hurting for years now, yet this was definitely the most drained Jinhwan had ever seen him. It was concerning. The eldest wished he could do something to cheer his friend up ; to make him smile, sincerely, even just a little. That was why he would always bring his feelings for Jiwon up whenever they would meet, even when they would spend only ten minutes together after class or meet up for lunch. It wasn’t to harass him or anything ; he just really, genuinely wanted for Junhoe to be happy. No matter what it took. And he would keep bringing it up until they found a solution and set the young man free from his ruined hopes and unrequited love. Irritated, Junhoe rolled his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “ _I don’t need you to tell me this_ ”, he would like to tell his friend but he knew that would not help either. He would rather sip down his latte macchiato and try to change subject. He didn’t want to solve anything. He didn’t want to try. He didn’t want to think of a life in which he didn’t love Jiwon. It hurt even more than loving him with all his heart and getting nothing in return.

 

“So, what’s up at work ?”, he said nonchalantly, faking their last conversation had never happened. As he would always do. But his attempt failed again, miserably, considering Jinhwan’s sceptical look.

“That was pretty lame”, he snorted, not ready to give up anytime soon. Nervous, Junhoe started to fiddle with his napkin ; he, on the other side, wasn’t ready to answer a questioning. He knew his friend. He would have been a cop that it would have made no difference. However, what Jinhwan asked took him by surprise, to say the least.

“Are you gonna tell him one day ?”

 

Junhoe gulped, ashamed of himself. Not only was he helplessly in love with his late best friend’s boyfriend, but he also couldn’t bring himself to finally confessed. His feelings weren’t glorious. Nor was the way he had trapped himself by loving Jiwon. Jinhwan’s insistent, almost pestering stare gave him goosebumps, not the nice type.

 

“Do we really have to talk ab-”, he stopped suddenly. Before him, a very serious Jinhwan, looking at him with such intimidating eyes Junhoe swore he felt his chair melt under his behind ; Jinhwan was absolutely aware of it and even took advantage of it, his tone severe.

“Are you ?”

“It’s not that simple. I can’t tell him like that.” Junhoe stated firmly. Clearly, he didn’t want to answer any more questions, as was evident from the way he rubbed his face or ran his hand through his hair, ruffling his locks. He was starting to get annoyed.

“It is. Stop making up excuses.”

 

Jinhwan was trying to prove a point in there ; he bothered his friend and was completely aware of it. He sure made him uncomfortable too, but he didn’t mind. He felt it was needed. Because Jinhwan knew one can’t live their life in a web of lies, faking detachment or conceal their own feelings, and one can’t also expect people to move on without any help.

 

“Junhoe… I’m not saying you should tell him today or tomorrow. I know it’s definitely not the right time. But truth be told, you have two options up your sleeve. You tell him, and if he returns your feelings, it’s all good and if he doesn’t, you’ll have a goddamn reason to move on. Or you chose to never tell him, and you’ll never know. And maybe you’ll screw up a great opportunity to finally get that dick you’ve been drooling over for years. Now get your ass off of that seat and go get me a pastrami sandwich with extra cheddar cheese.”

“I wished it was that simple, Jinhwan. I really do.”

 

And on those wise, though a little bit harsh and crude words echoing in his mind, Junhoe hummed and stood up, heading towards the counter. He didn’t sit back though ; after getting Jinhwan his sandwich, he left like a shot : “Jiwon just texted me”, he justified himself, and Jinhwan didn’t even bother to point out how dangerously whipped the boy was.

 

***

 

Despite the pills and tisanes Junhoe had served him for four months already, Jiwon had lost sleep. He didn’t know if it was the idea of spending the night alone, with no one to cuddle but his old Pooh bear that disturbed him or the immeasurable hole in his heart and the pain it caused. Nothing seemed particularly real to him ; a constant feeling of emptiness and sorrow was all he was truly aware of. A never-ending yearning to cry, so strong it almost appeared as a need, tortured his soul until he couldn’t find rest. Silence drove him crazy. His own. And Hanbin’s, also. It was a trap. A maze, with no Ariadne’s thread to escape. So, to flee, he never tried. Jiwon’s lids remained open, but the stars in his eyes had faded. He waited, but didn’t know who nor what for.

Hanbin wouldn’t come and join him. He knew that, though he did his best not to remember it. And since Morphe didn’t seem to be willing to take him away from reality, Jiwon couldn’t stay still anymore, his legs numb from the lack of movement and eventually stood up and got off his, or more like Junhoe’s, bed. An odd feeling of dryness in his throat made him opt for some water ; thus he slowly went out of his room, cautiously walking across the living room so he would not wake up his friend, who was awkwardly laying on their old couch in such a weird position Jiwon didn’t understand how the boy could sleep this way. It forced his lips to draw a soft smile as he reached for a glass.

On his way to a lonely bed he wasn’t keen on getting back to, he surprised himself as he stopped by the living room and knelt before the boy who had gladly offered him his room and had stayed there, sleeping on the couch despite the uncomfort, and had not even complained once. If he was to be really honest with himself, Jiwon would admit he felt guilty to demand so much and never return anything to Junhoe. Deep down, he knew that despite the boy’s efforts to look strong and cheerful all the time to make up for his own lack of happiness, Junhoe was struggling just as much as him. Jiwon admired him. Admired his courage. Admired his devotion. Admired the way he had willingly erase himself only to try to make him shine again. Admired the way Junhoe had never given up : coming home with his favorite pepperoni pizza, renting his favorite blockbusters to binge-watch through the night, even adopting a puppy to bring their tedious lives some glint of joy. Junhoe was strong. Way stronger than he had ever thought. Way stronger than him. And somehow, despite his ignorance about his own feelings, he felt safe with him around. At least, safer than on his own and in the grip of his demons.

He had not realized it, but he had stepped a bit closer to the boy ; longing for a bit of warmth, he even dared to lean his temple on Junhoe’s chest, the slow beat of his heart playing as a delicate lullaby, whispered in the crook of his ear. Jiwon surprisingly relaxed, his dry lips releasing a soft sigh and mouthing a “thank you” before he stood up. On the floor, he eyed a blanket, all crumpled, which he remembered was Junhoe’s ; he would take it with him all around the apartment when winter came. His gestures delicate, Jiwon picked it up and gently wrapped his friend in it, tucking the cover well so it wouldn’t fall again ; he stayed there a few more minutes, gazing at the boy. He looked so at peace, his features so smooth they seemed ethereal, yet Jiwon had never noticed. His heart wrenched, sad and ashamed to be so helpless he couldn’t even give back all the support Junhoe had showed him ; thus he did nothing but kiss the sleeping boy’s forehead and slip away in the dark of his room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone ! I'm back ! ✧
> 
> I hope you all liked this chapter. There are only 4 left, the end is coming soon... Do you guys have an idea of how things will eventually turn ??? I'm curious, tell me !  
> Please, don't forget to tell me what you think ! I love reading you guys' comments, it means the world to me ♡
> 
> I'll see you on the next one ! ♡
> 
>  
> 
> my twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> find me on asianfanfics : vxrygd


	6. Brown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwon had never noticed how brown and deep Junhoe’s iris were. Nor had he ever discerned with how much sincerity the boy looked at him. There, he found comfort, he found simplicity, he found reliability. He found strength. And Jiwon felt awkwardly safe, being looked at this way. But what had surprised him the most was that, despite all this softness, Junhoe’s eyes were the gate of an abyss of immense sadness.

 

_Brown : comfort ; simplicity ; reliability ; strength ; sincerity_

 

***

 

Summer had come and passed, boring, monotonous. The suffocating heat had slowly started to fade, replaced by a nice, light breeze and humanly bearable temperatures. The late September weather was pleasant, one of Junhoe’s favorites : the cold had not claimed his dues yet, the sky was still a light blue. A few clouds here and there would sometimes stain the azure of the canvas, giving it a sort of calm, peaceful feeling. Not as bright and enthusiastic as July, nor as ardent and jolly as August, September was the month of quietness. And after a dreadful summer, Junhoe longed for some tranquility.

Mourning his best friend had been hard, and he had not completely healed his wounds yet. Reminiscences of Hanbin remained, appearing from time to time, wrapping Junhoe’s body in a blurry nostalgia ; he would hear the deafened sound of a voice coming from afar, calling his name, see a slender silhouette colored in sepia tones and try to reach for them but as soon as his fingers would ghost over their pale hand, he would feel nothing. Like smoke he would try to catch. He was fine, though, at least he felt like so, whereas Jiwon kept struggling, despite him not saying much about his feelings. Junhoe was hurt too, but unlike his friend, he had learnt to let go, slowly, but surely. He knew moving on didn’t mean forgetting. That, however, Jiwon had not understood, and was stuck in a mist of memories haunting him every night, causing him to cry for help silently as he waited for a certain man to sneak into his arms and hug him tight until he fell asleep.

Junhoe had spent his summer looking after him, turning into a real nurse and though it had somehow brought them closer, the gap between them had never been this deep, Junhoe felt, as he realized he could never know what the boy was going through. He had tried to ; one day, while he had lunch with Jinhwan, he had tried to put himself in Jiwon’s shoes and imagine how he himself would suffer if he was to lose the love of his life. But the second he closed his eyes and visualized a world without Jiwon, he opened them right away. It was unthinkable. And maybe that was the reason why Junhoe felt so powerless before Jiwon’s sorrow ; because his pain was just purely inconceivable.

However, Jiwon had showed some progress ; he did go out a little bit more, but never alone, and only for a short period of time. August 23rd had been the very first time the boy had seen Jinhwan since that night, and despite Jiwon’s lack of obvious enthusiasm, Junhoe had tried to force him into the car, only to give up and walk to Jinhwan’s flat instead (Jiwon had kept refusing to drive or be driven to anywhere, which somehow was understandable), they both knew it wasn’t personal, and they all had spent a good time hanging out together, eating pizzas and watching movies like the old times. The key was to make one step at a time, Junhoe had learnt, and he very consciously followed that rule, always making sure Jiwon was really ok with everything he would suggest they do together. In a way, Jinhwan admired him, had the boy told Junhoe once during lunch. He would never have such patience, even less if he was as in love as Junhoe was. But it was because Junhoe was so much in love with Jiwon that this was all working. Because he was so devoted to the boy that he wouldn’t mind making a pact with the devil to bring Hanbin back and retrieve Jiwon’s endearing smile, if it was possible. But it wasn’t, so he would do what he could. Like cooking pancakes, renting video games, or adopting a puppy ; its name was Bbangdaeng, a female Maltese.

He had wondered if Jiwon would go back to college eventually and catch up the classes he missed and failed on the last semester ; and when the boy mentioned the idea by himself, Junhoe’s heart filled with pride. “We’re slowly going there”, he thought, with a smile he kept for himself. Perhaps Jiwon would start to live again, just like he did. However, Junhoe would still walk the man to his classes on the first days, just to make sure Jiwon would not flee away ; and to give his friend a bit of extra courage. Jiwon, if he appreciated the attention, remained mostly silent about it, only mumbling a few “thank you” here and there but to Junhoe, whose heart would flustered over the smallest things, it was more than enough.

Fortunately, Jiwon seemed ok with his courses. At least, he wasn’t showing any signs of tiredness nor was he threatening to drop out again yet, a relief to Junhoe who feared nothing more but for his friend to fall into another negative spin. Although he knew quite well Jiwon going to college didn’t mean his pain had healed ; he still didn’t speak most of the time, and to make him finish his food was just as demanding as to climb a mountain. Jiwon had also kept sleeping in Junhoe’s room, not that the latter complained about it now that he was so used to resting on the sofa that he literally had made it his second home. It would take time for things to go back to normal, if they ever would ; Junhoe was perfectly aware of it, but he didn’t mind. He would escort Jiwon on any path he would choose to follow. He had promised Hanbin he would do so, after all, though this has mostly been an excuse for him to chase after the only source of his happiness that remained.

 

***

 

When Junhoe went back from grocery shopping that afternoon, arms full of paper bags, it was to find Jiwon sitting on a stool in the middle of the kitchen behind a rather big easel ; the boy was a major in fine arts, and October meant countless works and projects he would have to submit. Junhoe himself had a ton of essays to write, and his teachers weren’t keen on letting him adapt to his new schedules, though school had started over a month ago. He missed vacations already, and only longed for Christmas holidays to come.

 

“What is that ?”, he gently asked while he started to put the fresh groceries in the fridge before they both would be left with nothing to eat but ramen cups (not that it would be really bothersome, but Junhoe liked to pretend he followed a healthy diet). Jiwon didn’t answer, his gaze so focused on the palette of colors before him that he had not even noticed Junhoe coming back. “Art assignment ?” the boy tried one more time, now standing behind his friend and observing the thin dots Jiwon had begun to paint.

“I’m supposed to create something using impressionism techniques”, the painter mumbled.

 

Given the defeated look he bore, Jiwon seemed to be struggling more than he would ever admit, and to see his friend taking his brushes, dipping them in oil paint just to put them aside a second after with a sigh escaping his lips made Junhoe concerned. Art had always been Jiwon’s favorite way to escape from reality and to express his inner feelings when words weren’t powerful enough. But ever since Hanbin had left this world, Jiwon’s inspiration had vanished and he had not been able to hold a pencil. Now that he was back to school, he would have to force himself somehow, but Jiwon had no will to. Idly standing next to him was Junhoe, whose eyes were wandering from the white canvas to the paint to Jiwon’s shaky hands. His sad look was one Junhoe couldn’t really bear anymore, his guts painful and his heart torn apart whenever he would meet Jiwon’s lifeless eyes. So he grabbed a brush, holding it clumsily : he had never been an artist, his skills and talents were elsewhere. He would write poems sometimes, after watching a romantic movie, or during a night spent wandering alongside the river. But these, were nothing but words scratched on paper, meant to express some of his thoughts. Perhaps could they form beautiful verses, however, it didn’t feel like art to Junhoe. Not when he used to live with two soulmates who shared the same interest and devotion to painting, to music, to photography, to whatever could materially create a new dimension, a brand new universe. Words were just letters combined, and though they may sound pretty sometimes they still were written in black.

Jiwon glanced over his shoulder and gave him an inquisitive look as the boy leant forward and started adding stains of orange paint on the white of the canvas, literally ruining his roommate’s work. Before, Jiwon would have yelled at him ; truth be told, Junhoe wouldn’t have dared to do a thousandth of what he had just done. But instead, whereas Junhoe was preparing himself for one big scolding, nothing came out of Jiwon’s lips but a shocked gasp. The second after, what Junhoe heard got him to startle ; it was very low, very discreet, so much that he thought he had dreamt, wondering if his imagination wasn’t playing tricks on him. However, his ears were working right, and Junhoe couldn’t have been more happier than at that very moment : Jiwon had laughed. Thus, just to kill all his doubts, Junhoe coated the brush with a thick brick red and drew a little man, turning his friend’s work into a kindergarten’s drawing.

 

“What are you doing ?”, said Jiwon, his voice husky as if he had not spoken for years, a light chuckle coming from the back of his throat. To this, Junhoe didn’t answer anything ; he just dipped the bristles into a navy blue pigment, as deep as the sea, and poked Jiwon’s cheek with it.

 

How had he found the courage and audacity to dare to do that, Junhoe had no clue. Astonished by his own nerve, he gawked at Jiwon’s blue-stained skin, speechless, his mind torn between pure amazement and the fear that he might have just gone too far ; one thing he had always paid attention to, was to never break the boundaries Junhoe himself had built between him and Jiwon, especially after Hanbin had passed away. Junhoe knew his place and knew how to stick to it, never trying to force himself on the mourning boy, but always watching from afar, always having his back. Perhaps had it been too much of a showcase of attention. Thus, Junhoe immediately took a step back and was about to apologize, already panicking, when he noticed the same thin, almost playful smile he saw earlier and which had warmed up his heart within a millisecond.

Although this time, Jiwon didn’t laugh ; instead, he calmly stood up and faced his roommate ; his grin had disappeared and the boy’s features were now bearing the kind of serious looks Junhoe found so incredibly appealing he would normally carve the vision onto his mind and replay it later, with the lights off. Before his eyes, Jiwon seemed almost ethereal. So beautiful he wished he could touch him, even just a bit. Feel his golden skin against his pale body, and let his scent intoxicate him. God, was he deeply in love. And at that very moment, in the middle of their shared kitchen, he felt like Eve, desperately trying to resist the ruthless desire to take a bite of that apple. Jiwon was his very own forbidden fruit ; so delicious looking Junhoe craved to taste him. His thoughts had gone wild with just a glance of his friend, but there was no surprise there, Junhoe being very well aware of Jiwon’s power on him and even liking it a bit too much for it to be morally acceptable. Thus, he had not realized Jiwon had stepped dangerously closer, and released a high-pitched yelp when the boy jumped on him and pinned him to the floor, one hand holding on his wrists and a brush in the other. That, Junhoe had definitely not seen coming and before he could react, he found himself covered in strokes of green and yellow, a weird, chemical taste invading his mouth as paint had splattered on his lips.

Under Jiwon’s strong grip, Junhoe felt oddly at ease, only wishing for this to last a lifetime however, since the boy above him seemed to have found a new picture to work on, he had to fight back somehow, using all his strength (though it would never compared to Jiwon’s) to switch their positions and then retaliate. Junhoe was about to catch his friend’s brushes and get his revenge when he noticed he was literally straddling his roommate, his thighs hugging Jiwon’s legs ; he had never jumped and ran away so quickly before, not even when a mouse had crossed the room in the middle of an algebra class in high school, which had earned him an hour of detention for disrupting the course, followed by a month of his friends’ tauntings. Here, what Junhoe risked wasn’t as bad as a teacher’s scolding ; what if Jiwon had seen the way his cheeks had gone deep red when their crotches slightly brushed ? This couldn’t be happening. Be that as it may, given the way Jiwon stood up almost immediately after him and didn’t look at all bothered, Junhoe believed it might be safe to think he had not put his feelings in full display yet.

There began a huge battle, both boys running all around the apartment, bumping into walls and chairs, splashing paint everywhere ; their clothes got stained, their skin too, even Junhoe’s hair ended up colored with shades of white and purple. Jiwon’s assignment was now absolutely ruined, but it didn’t matter a bit. The only thing worth of Junhoe’s attention was that Jiwon was laughing, chasing him around the flat childishly with a smile he had not seen for a while. Junhoe would buy him another canvas, and maybe some more art supplies since he wasn’t quite sure his brushes would survive such a brutal fight, he would even drive the student to the best places he knew for him to paint the perfect picture if necessary but for now, all he cared about was Jiwon’s beaming grin. He could run like this all day long, falling back into childhood, leaving behind all the concerns they both faced together without really sharing their burdens, just to make Jiwon happy. Even if it was meant to last only a few minutes, Junhoe’s heart was filled with joy. Even if this light and warm atmosphere would eventually vanish, even if dark clouds and rain were to cover the sky again, Junhoe was terribly glad, so much he found it almost scary, that someone else’s well-being meant so much to him that he could easily forget about his own.

It might have lasted half an hour, maybe less, maybe more : they had dropped their brushes, their hands now all over each other’s body, tickling the skin as their laughter blended into a harmonious, blissful cacophony until Junhoe found himself pinned against the wall, Jiwon’s face just a few inches away from his. And then, they got completely silent. Junhoe was stained with oils and pigments, panting as harshly as after one of his jiu-jitsu practices, sweat melding with the paint on his cheeks and neck ; Jiwon looked just as messy, his hair, which he had combed backwards this morning, totally dishevelled, a few locks shadowing over this big forehead Junhoe found so inexplicably attractive. Then again, Junhoe was absolutely mesmerized by the vision his friend offered him ; even in such circumstances, in which no one could pretend to look good, Jiwon managed to shine, so radiant the sun was jealous. There was no way for him not to peep at these plump lips he longed to kiss, nor to fall into these deep brown iris he wished he could drown in but he forced himself to, his glance focused on his feet, one of which had settled in between his friend’s legs.

Junhoe didn’t know how long they stayed like this, legs almost tangled, Jiwon’s forearm on the wall, his free hand casually holding his hip ; he just knew it felt like an eternity. Before the boy, Junhoe felt weirdly small though he was the tallest one by a few centimeters, his friend’s aura dominating him totally, making him feel like he only existed because of Jiwon, and for Jiwon. It was all too close to be bearable, all too real to be safe ; Junhoe felt a shiver travel down his spine when a warm breath caressed his neck and he had to fight not to release a moan. The strong smell of turpentine coming from the kitchen and his blood rushing to his brain were too much on their own and Junhoe quickly felt dizzy and had to clutch Jiwon’s shoulders if he didn’t want to faint. Knees weak and limbs trembling, he almost choked when Jiwon’s nose brushed against his own. There he saw it : the sparkle in his friend’s eyes, that same one he believed would never reappear. The same one he had fallen in love with though it had been dedicated to another. He would love to look at it forever, so much he wished he wasn’t expecting more however, Junhoe didn’t have the willpower to fight his desires back and just closed his eyes, desperately waiting for a pair of soft lips gently claiming his theirs. But they never did.

All of a sudden, Junhoe was alone and all traces of Jiwon had dissipated, his shadow fading away in the twilight sun. Had he just dreamt ? Or had it all happened ? Junhoe no longer had a clue. The only thing he knew was that oddly, he still sensed Jiwon’s strong grip on his waist ; when he tried to reminisce the feeling of his breath against his throat, it didn’t feel as powerful, as nerve-wracking and as exquisite at the same time as a few seconds before. Confused, puzzled, lost in between his dreams and reality, the boy let himself fall against the wall and sat on the floor, slowly pulling himself together as he had just experienced what he had never allowed himself to live if not in the maze of his fantasies. It had felt so good, so real and yet so not enough Junhoe’s heart broke once again ; at this point, the teen thought he was going crazy. The essences of turpentine might have disturbed his senses, he tried to justify, while he refused to believe he had let down his guard this much. He remembered the dancing flames in Jiwon’s eyes, those who used to quiver with love as the boy looked at his lover. His heart throbbed at that very thought ; it had surprised him so much, to see these coming back to life that Junhoe started to wonder if, maybe, he hadn’t dreamt after all.

But then, if it had not been just a trick of his imagination, what did it all mean ?

 

***

 

Jiwon couldn’t find sleep. “As usual”, he would normally thought, but ever since that afternoon with Junhoe two weeks ago, the reason behind his insomnias didn’t seem to be the same absence as before. Eyes lost in the dark of the ceiling, he would wait hours for Morphe to visit him, only to fall asleep, or rather pass out, in the early morning. Jiwon was tired. And the fact that deep down in his heart, he had the feeling something had changed, disrupted his rest even more.

He didn’t know what had come to his mind that day. He was struggling on his picture, or at least he pretended so, his pride too strong for him to admit that in fact, he had given up on submitting a good work from the very beginning ; creating just to create had never been his cup of tea. Jiwon, unlike Hanbin, whose capacity of working beyond his physical limits to follow a schedule had always mind-blown him, couldn’t be expected to produce anything worth to look at if he wasn’t truly inspired, if his desire to put his feelings and thoughts on a blank canvas didn’t come from his guts. Passionate. He was passionate. And just like all passionate people, he needed his art to act as a form of catharsis. He needed his art to express who he was, to represent himself, what he carefreely showed the world on the outside and what he kept hidden on the inside. But what could he paint, when all he felt was emptiness. What could he invent, when the little genius he used to have had died out. When the flamboyance of his spirit had faded away, leaving him a poor, awfully plain human made of muscles and bones, with no soul to brighten his existence.

Somehow, on that particular day when an ineffable feeling of sorrow invaded him, slithering through his ribcage to aim right at his heart, a tint of innocence had come and brightened his world, shooing away the dark clouds above his head and before he would even let himself enjoy an instant of cheerfulness, a laugh had escaped from the barrier of his lips, genuine, sincere. Before he had realized what was going on, he had let himself completely go. He had run everywhere, laughed out loud like he had never done before or if he ever had, it had been way too long ago for him to remember. And then it happened. Why and how, Jiwon couldn’t tell. He only remembered he strong smell of turpentine, and the sweet, light scent of early spring flowers of Junhoe’s perfume. It had gone so fast, yet, Jiwon’s sick mind had taken the time to carve every single details of Junhoe’s face ; how his nose turned slightly upwards, giving the boy a cute, soft look, how thick, black and rounded his eyebrows were, emphasizing the delicacy of the boy’s features. The way his dark bangs fell over his forehead, or how smooth and porcelain-like his skin appeared, glowing under the beams of the sun. How plump his lips were, and oh so kissable it had startled him. But what had haunted him ever since, was what he had found in Junhoe’s eyes.

Jiwon had never noticed how brown and deep Junhoe’s iris were. Nor had he ever discerned with how much sincerity the boy looked at him. There, he found comfort, he found simplicity, he found reliability. He found strength. And Jiwon felt awkwardly safe, being looked at this way. But what had surprised him the most was that, despite all this softness, Junhoe’s eyes were the gate of an abyss of immense sadness. Why did the boy seemed so exhausted, so broken, Jiwon wondered as his nose brushed over Junhoe’s, why did he almost looked scared ? To discover the reason behind all this unspoken grief, Jiwon guessed all he had to do was to drown in this ocean of sorrow. And so he did ; and the answer came out so clear, he blamed himself for not realizing sooner. And it had haunted him ever since.

The day after, he had spent the entire afternoon blending different shades of brown together, desperately trying to find the perfect match. And only when he had found the same, deep, glowy brown as Junhoe’s eyes, had he painted a whole new canvas ; a monochrome, Yves Klein style.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello y'all !!! 
> 
> First of all, sorry for taking this long to update. I've been busy packing as I moved to Tokyo last Monday. I missed you guys a lot, so I tried my best to update as fast as I could. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and will enjoy the following ones ! Only 3 chapters left and this story will come to its end... Any idea of how this is going to turn out ???? Let me know ! I love reading your thoughts about my story, it keeps me motivated and it helps me improve my writing as well. 
> 
> Tell me what you thought of this chapter in the comment and please, feel free to share this story to your friends if you liked it, it would mean the world to me ! ♡  
> I'll see you all on the next one ♡
> 
> ✧ where can you find me ? 
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa (let's follow each other !)  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	7. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tongues, hands, lips, teeth. All Junhoe saw was red. A vibrant, heated red. Red as the hickeys on his neck. Red as the scratches on Jiwon's back. Love. Desire. Lust. Ecstasy.

 

 

_Red : passion ; desire ; heat ; love_

 

***

 

October 22nd arrived quicker than Junhoe had expected ; but somehow, it also went better than he would have ever thought. The boy woke up pretty early in the morning, ready to conquer the world as soon as the sunlight hit his face and pulled him out of his dreams. He almost immediately ran to the bathroom to take a shower so he could start preparing breakfast before Jiwon would deign to go out of his room however, as he reached for the handle, the tall man was confronted by a locked up door. Curious, he got closer and, ear against the wood, perceived the thin sound of water pouring down ; his roommate had woken up before him. Which never happened. Usually, if no classes were to be attended, Jiwon wouldn’t show up until noon. And ever since that late night of March, it had been even more difficult for him to appear in the daylight ; Junhoe had had to knock on his door an unhealthy amount of time, even once had carried the boy on his back to make him get out of his bed. Not that he slept too much though. Jiwon just wanted to stay in the dark. Days weren’t as bright as they were without Hanbin ; as if he only could make the sun shine.

October 22nd wasn’t like any other day to them both ; it had never been and definitely would never be. Hanbin would have turned twenty-two. They would have celebrated it all together, the three of them, Jinhwan would have joined too. They would have eaten chicken, drunk beers, perhaps watched Hanbin’s favorite show ; or maybe would they have gone on a trip, or just hung out on the afternoon for the couple to spend the evening by themselves. But none of that would happen this day, and, that thought crossing his mind, Junhoe felt his heart shrank as he sat down on the couch, waiting for Jiwon to finally go out of the bathroom ; he felt worried, hoped the boy’s demons had not haunted him that night, that Jiwon had found peace and quietness despite all the sorrow.

And he had. Surprisingly. Jiwon himself didn’t believe it ; but here he was, standing in the middle of the bathroom, glancing at his incredibly healthy looking reflection in the mirror, his skin glowy and his eyes sparkling. As if nothing had ever happened, as if nothing had ever changed. As if Hanbin was still there. But on the other side of that bathroom door, Hanbin didn’t stand : Junhoe did. And it felt oddly appeasing to be greeted by the younger’s smile. The green, emotionally wrecked but playing strong boys looked at each other, shyly, almost tenderly. Junhoe’s hands wrapped around Jiwon’s neck naturally, as he had done many times before now, but it always felt kind of new. Jiwon’s arms hugged his friend’s thin yet tonned waist, pulling him closer to him ; his heart wouldn’t admit it yet, but it felt at peace, beating against the younger’s chest. It felt warm, it felt safe. And for a second, maybe even less than that, Jiwon wondered if it was love that he saw in Junhoe’s eyes ; if he was the one his friend dedicated his caring beam to. But for now, and maybe for the last time, Jiwon would take all this blossoming fondness as the soft and devoted clinch of Hanbin’s ghost.

Later that day, they went for brunch to one of Hanbin’s favorite places ; Jiwon insisted to pay for everything, even treated Junhoe with every single dish he wanted to try. They talked, more than they had ever talked despite almost eight years of friendship ; they laughed, even, Jiwon’s enthusiast, childish grin slowly coming back to life as the sparkles in his eyes gave birth to a brand new galaxy, one Junhoe could not possibly resist, even more beautiful than the one he had first fell in love with. Somehow, the teen whose heart had been torn into pieces didn’t feel sad anymore. He smiled. And maybe, Junhoe thought, possibly, potentially, could it be thanks to him. At least that’s what the way Jiwon’s fingers ghosted over the back of his hand whispered to him. Perhaps was it alright for him to hold on to that one and single glimpse of hope.

 

***

 

December 21st had always been a nice day for Junhoe to spend with his friends ; Jiwon’s birthday was usually an excuse for him to drown his feelings in alcohol to the point his sweat tasted like soju. It was also a good way for him to stop thinking and thus get closer to the one who stole his heart, pretending not to be aware of his actions while the others were already way too wasted to see somewhere further than their drinks. That was how most of the very few pictures of Junhoe and Jiwon together had been taken : on the 21st at night, with empty bottles all over the table and a drunk Junhoe sitting on the elder’s lap. Not that he minded. Of course, he would still act embarrassed the day after, but little did everyone know that he secretly loved this pictures.

However, for the first time in years, nothing had been planned. Not because anyone had forgotten ; Junhoe would be the last person on Earth to ever miss Jiwon’s birthday, not when it was in fact his favorite day of the year. He had never been a big of a party boy, nor had he really ever enjoyed family gatherings or holidays in general. It felt like too much obligated socialization at once, and Junhoe was the type of people who couldn’t handle being rushed into things. He needed time, he needed to take things slow, he liked the chill and relax atmosphere of a Saturday night spent at home playing games rather than the neverending thrill he experienced while going through a club tour. Being a faint of heart had never been something to feel ashamed of, had he always claimed whenever his friends would tease him for his middle-aged man habits ; people were just different. He just craved quietness more often than others, would he justify, perhaps did he need more sleep than the average, but little did his acquaintances know that Junhoe went through his own roller-coaster : one called unrequited love. One of the most tiring rides ever.

Nothing had been planned, yet, it all came naturally again. Oddly, but naturally. Oddly, mostly because Junhoe would have never thought things would ever turn out the way they eventually did. Perhaps was it how he should have handled everything from the beginning ? Maybe should he had just gone with the flow and let the universe do its job ? At least, it was what Junhoe was wondering as he and Jiwon were sprawled on the couch watching TV, though neither one of them truly paid attention to what was showing on the screen. What they could see in each other’s eyes seemed so much more interesting. Fascinating. Mesmerizing. Junhoe wanted to drown in Jiwon’s hazelnut iris. Despite the fact he was now quite used to his feelings, he still found it weird sometimes : how his hands would get sweaty anytime Jiwon looked at him even a single second. How his heart would beat with just a glance to the other was insane. How he loved that boy was just mind-blowing. His feelings tossed his own heart mercilessly, but Junhoe didn’t care. He loved Jiwon. He loved the bittersweet pain it caused him, to be so close to what he wanted but not to reach for it. A masochist at love. That was what he was, and he loved it.

However, if Junhoe was a realistic, down-to-earth boy, which ironically made his fantasies even more intense, he also was quite oblivious. Blinded by his own misfortune, he sure had not noticed how Jiwon’s heart had shifted in the past few months. How such of a long, slow burn it had been, but he eventually got there ; in a safe, warm and loving place. Almost at peace with his own mind. Almost. It would only take a few more steps, but he was almost there. That, Jiwon eyes screamed him but somehow, Junhoe kept ignoring the signs, kept missing the hints, not arrogant enough to dare believe his wishes could ever come true. He was a humble teen, to say the least ; but there was a very fine line in between humility and low self-esteem, and Junhoe wasn’t quite sure if he hadn’t crossed it already. It had been so long. Maybe too long. Maybe his heart was more hurt than he was willing to acknowledge. Junhoe was too weak. Too much of a coward. Or maybe was it the contrary ? Too brave to let his guard down, too brave to accept the fight was over after all the efforts he had put into this battle. After all these years he had spent defying his own hopes and expectations. It was Jiwon’s turn to be brave and face his desires. And at the very bottom of his heart, Junhoe begged for him to make the first step ; to guide him through this new no-man’s land, beyond the trenches. He had resisted long enough. He could let him deal with the rest. And as if Jiwon could read his mind, he did. He took his hand and led him to a whole new world. He crossed the line dividing the battlefields, draping a white flag over Junhoe’s fears.

And so they kissed. A short, chaste kiss which lasted a second or so, yet Junhoe’s mind went blank and his emotions exploded, turning the young boy into a supernova of feelings. Only in his wildest dreams had he ever dared to hope for this to happen. On his now abandoned lips, he could still feel the tickling warmth of Jiwon’s, their softness, and oh god did he crave for more. Junhoe timidly glanced at the boy next to him, their noses brushing as he looked up. It startled him ; he had forgotten how close they had got. This way, he could sense Jiwon’s breath brush over his skin and see the sparkles in his eyes, these beautiful, shiny sparkles he had fallen in love with years ago ; they had never been this bright, he thought to himself whilst he felt a hand stroke his lower back and a shiver go down his spine. His hands wrapped around Jiwon’s neck almost mechanically as Jiwon’s arms embraced his waist tenderly and the second after, they were kissing again, this time way more fiercely, lovingly.

 

***

 

They made love on Jiwon’s bed that night ; it was the first time the latter had entered the room since this late March's night. On the sheets the boy once shared with Hanbin, they lost themselves in the mist of lust and pleasure. Between heated kisses and sensual caresses, Junhoe felt his body burn, the sensations so strong he couldn’t think straight anymore ; he only knew Jiwon. Jiwon and his plump lips trailing kisses all over his chest. Jiwon and his powerful, calloused hands gripping on his hips. Jiwon and his low, husky voice whispering in the crook of his neck as he groaned. Jiwon and his slow, passionate thrusts between his kiss-stained thighs. Tongues, hands, lips, teeth. All Junhoe saw was red. A vibrant, heated red. Red as the hickeys on his neck. Red as the scratches on Jiwon's back. Love. Desire. Lust. Ecstasy. 

It was almost funny, he thought. The way his own body seemed to have been sculpted only to match Jiwon’s. The way his palms would mold the curve of Jiwon’s ass perfectly. The way his slender fingers would slither in between the boy’s raven locks. The way his long legs would wrap around Jiwon’s torso and the way his own hips would rock in response to him ramming onto his body. He belonged there, he felt. In Jiwon’s strong arms. For the first time in his life, he was at peace with himself ; with his aching heart, and his tormented mind. It all happened naturally and maybe that was why it felt so surreal, yet so absolutely clear. There was no point in looking for a reason. All that mattered now was this. This delicacy. This tender embrace Junhoe was drowning into. This intimacy. Their intimacy. It was only them : two lost souls dancing together under the bright stars of the cosmos. 

Junhoe let himself go. He let himself experience all these hidden desires he had planned to keep silent forever. He let his tongue dance with Jiwon’s, he let the pleasure grow inside of him. He offered Jiwon the moans he had always secretly dedicated to him, the nights his thoughts went too far for him to fall asleep. He gave himself happily, entirely, letting his eyes speak with the eloquence his voice no longer had while only whimpers escaped his throat. He loved this boy so much, but it didn’t hurt anymore. His heart was beating like crazy, but it felt so right. And it hit them both like a lightning bolt. The stars he saw in Jiwon’s eyes were now so bright he felt dizzy, weak and vulnerable but yet so complete. His cheeks went as pink as a blooming rose, as he painted his stomach a milky color. Under the touch of his hands, he sensed Jiwon shiver while his body went through a blissful mist, and collapse on him, breathless. He made sure he would remember everything ; how Jiwon’s jaw had clenched before he moaned into his ear, all sweat and burning pleasure, the way he had softly pecked his swollen lips after he had come back from another world, nor how in the galaxy of Jiwon’s eyes, he had found his lucky star.

It felt so right. So right it felt wrong.

 

***

 

Junhoe woke up at night, his eyes opening to an empty spot next to him. He wasn’t really surprised though, but he couldn’t ignore the pain in his chest. It destroyed the few pieces of his heart he had left, Cupid’s arrow killing him one more time when it was supposed to bring him happiness, at least he had hoped so ; was he the only one in the world whose love would never be returned ? But before he sank into an abyss of suffering, he heard a slight snort breaking through the silence and thus he looked up.

On the edge of the bed, Jiwon sat ; Junhoe’s heart filled with hopes and expectations, maybe a bit too much, but Junhoe always overthought things. However, tonight, he tried his best not to : he only sat up too, his naked body still a bit far from Jiwon’s, and slowly reached the boy’s hand, fingers ghosting over shaking knuckles. And then he realized. Jiwon was crying. For the first time since Junhoe had had to tell him his life would never be the same, Jiwon was crying. All the tears the boy had hold back had turned into a river of distress flowing down his cheeks and wetting the sheets wrapped around his hips. He kept crying and crying, choking on his sobs, his whines transforming into the pure melody of sorrow, and Junhoe kept holding his hands until Jiwon’s halting breath calmed down and his laments faded away.

 

“It feels like I’m cheating on him.”

 

Of course. Of course Jiwon would feel this way. Such words might have been harsh but were no surprise to Junhoe ; but to be quite honest, he didn’t share the guilt he guessed in Jiwon’s voice at all. Perhaps was it relief more than happiness, but Junhoe’s mind was calm and the boy didn’t hear the voices warning him from the sins he might commit anymore. He sighed, his hands still on Jiwon’s, their fingers now intertwined. His lips drew a shy smile ; despite the compassion in his eyes and despite all the respect he had for Hanbin’s memory, he read their laced fingers as a promise. And Jiwon’s thumb, slightly brushing over the back of his hand, gave him confidence in his beliefs.

 

“And I’m betraying my best friend.”

“You know what’s even worse ?”, Jiwon’s voice sounded like such a mesmerizing melody to him, his entire body turning into one single, yet powerful shiver ; the boy had such a intense hold on him it had often scared him, but now, sitting on the bed, his skin painted with desire, he frightened nothing. He felt safe.

“I don’t even regret it. I know I should but I don’t.” Junhoe’s mouth remained shut. “Am I a bad person, Junhoe ?” He felt Jiwon’s grip tightened ; a desperate attempt to find in him a shoulder to lean on. A place to be. A shelter. Junhoe could grant him his love right away.

 

They stayed that way for a long time. They had got closer ; Junhoe stroking Jiwon’s back, their temples almost touching. He found enough courage to hug Jiwon, strangely timid despite their previous episode, and slowly laid him down, pulling him into his arms.

 

“I don’t regret it either. And... I won’t ever regret it.”

 

Jiwon raised an eyebrow ; Junhoe could picture it perfectly, despite the room being plunged into darkness. He raised his fingers to the boy’s face and in a delicate gesture, linked the few stars that had survived the torrent of Jiwon’s guilty mind, caressing his features lovingly before he leant down and brushed his lips over Jiwon’s in a gentle kiss.

“Jiwon”, he whispered under cover of night, Jiwon’s pupils shiny as fireflies in the dark of cosmos, “I should tell you something.”

 

A laugh escaped his throat, the butterflies in his stomach way too strong for him not to let go at least a second ; it wasn’t guilt, nor was it embarrassment that had taken his heart. The butterflies he had thought would never freely spread their wings now danced inside as a pure sense of joy carried him away, a feeling he only managed to hide in the crook of Jiwon’s neck. Junhoe clung onto him so strong it seemed almost sad. However, it looked like Jiwon’s selfish mind finally understood all the distress the boy had put in his silent calls, because whereas Junhoe had imagined him to push him away, strong arms lured him into a warm and tender embrace.

 

“Junhoe, please, give me time… I’ll come to you soon.”

 

If it sounded like another sacrifice to make, Junhoe thought of it as a promise. And with this promise, because it was one, Junhoe believed it with all his heart ; on these pledging words, he fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING EVERYBODY WAIT LMAO, I hope this chapter will make up for it ! We only have 2 more chapters to go and then the story will get to its end... I'll try my best to make it as good as possible.
> 
> Please, leave comments so I can know your thoughts on my work, it really means the world to me when you guys share your opinion ! 
> 
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd


	8. Turquoise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as he had passed the doorway, Junhoe had been welcomed by a bright, beaming light coming from a large window frame, and tainting the walls a beautiful turquoise light. Oddly enough, it had calmed Junhoe’s anxious feelings right away. It had felt like it had healed his scars all at once ; and now, Junhoe’s tossed around heart was willing to forgive it all.

 

 

_Turquoise : calm ; patience ; healing ; forgiveness ; growth_

 

 

***

 

They never talked about that night. The following morning, Jiwon had escaped from Junhoe’s tight, almost desperate embrace and if it hurt to do so, he kept it for himself, not looking back at Junhoe’s porcelain skin, now freckled in lusty bites and possessive kisses. And since that day, he had acted as if nothing had ever happened. It dazzled Junhoe at first ; then he recalled the words the boy had muttered half-asleep. Time. Time was the key. It had always been.

Though Jiwon remained silent about it all, Junhoe couldn’t really keep his mouth shut ; no one could blame him though, as ignoring such overwhelming feelings was quite hard if not impossible. This meant Junhoe would visit Jinhwan even more than before and sat with him for breakfast or for lunch, or for dinner even, or for no particular reason, just to rant about what had happened and how things were now between Jiwon and him. The teen hoped he wasn’t too much of a nuisance to his best friend, though the latter kept telling him it was alright and that he was willing to play the confident role. But on the other hand, Junhoe knew quite well he just couldn’t help it. So he would let it go and talk about one boy for hours and hours, until Jinhwan’s reasonable speech would come up and force Junhoe to keep his feet firmly on the ground. Some of his words were quite harsh sometimes, killing the butterflies in Junhoe’s stomach one by one by telling him how, even though he didn’t wish for it, Jiwon could have only needed a bit of comfort that night. By reminding Junhoe how it could have been just a one time thing. How Jiwon could have said things he didn’t really mean, just because they sounded right in the moment.

Of course it hurt ; the first time he heard that, Junhoe couldn’t even finish his burger afterwards, too sick, too hurt, too betrayed to do anything else than sitting on his chair, awkwardly avoiding anyone’s eyes. But somehow, Junhoe didn’t give up. Most importantly, he didn’t let Jinhwan’s words get the win and eventually argued back, holding on that last sparkle of hope he had seen in Jiwon’s eyes the night they made love so passionately. It couldn’t mean nothing. It couldn’t be just a one time thing. It just couldn’t. He would not be able to really explain why, but it just couldn’t. Junhoe had that feeling, strong and stubborn, that he was about to reach for what he had always wished to have. He felt wings growing out of his back, taking him to the skies, to caress the sun’s tender warmth. Junhoe was convinced. And Jinhwan’s words, no matter how wise they were, and how they came from a place of love, weren’t strong enough to prevent Junhoe from flying and grasping his dreams.

But Junhoe grew impatient. He didn’t want to at first. He tried his hardest not to expect anything to happen. Jiwon had asked him to wait for him and so he should do ; but it was getting harder and harder for him to stay idly, to act as if the obvious sexual tension between both of them was nothing but his imagination playing tricks on him. At the bottom of his heart, he knew it wasn’t just his mind going wild once again. No, it was real, so real it felt like a dream. A suffocating dream. A destructive fantasy. A poisonous delusion, killing him softly.

Junhoe had trouble keeping his eyes off of Jiwon. Pretending not to stare whenever the latter would go out of the bathroom half-naked, when it reminded him of the night they shared together, was challenging. But beyond the desire he had to hush, not telling Jiwon how much he loved him was the toughest of all. Now that he had had a taste of it, even as short as one simple night, Junhoe craved the boy’s love. Had he been addicted to him already, he was now a pure junkie. And despite his somehow deadpan expression, Junhoe was burning with the desire of screaming his feelings to the elder’s face.

Indeed, all he wished was to hug the boy and tell him again and again, how much he loved his crooked teeth and bunny-like smile. How wonderful was his laugh to hear. How beautiful he looked, and why he shouldn’t doubt his assets. How nice and warm-hearted of a person he was and how much Junhoe looked up to him. How much he admired his strength and spirit. How precious to him he was, how he valued him more than his own life. He only wanted to cherish him forever.

But for now, he couldn’t. Not yet. And it started to hurt. Again.

 

***

 

Early February’s weather was so nice, or at least, Junhoe liked it better than the hot, heavy atmosphere of summer. It wasn’t too cold, yet it was still quite refreshing, and the way going out for a walk at night opened his lungs and gave him shy goosebumps had always made him sort of happy ; had he really known the taste of happiness, there wasn’t anything as unsure, yet Junhoe felt relieved whenever the fresh air would caress the soft, reddened skin of his cheeks. It emptied his aching heart from all its emotions and although it was only for a short amount of time, his demons coming back at him eventually, the catharsis was still nice to experience. If he had to make a list of his favorite months, February would be definitely on the top three.

On a Saturday night, after they watched their new favorite show with Coke and pizzas as dinner, Junhoe had insisted, Jiwon, with a quite serious tone in his voice, which contrasted quite a bit with the enthusiast and carefree atmosphere of before, stated firmly :

 

“I want to move out.”

 

Junhoe’s heart sank into his chest. Within a second, it was like the entire world had collapsed on him. As a cold wind coming from outside abruptly crossed the living room, oddly fitting with the sudden frigid atmosphere, the boy could already feel the tears coming but did his best not to cry ; he didn’t want to be weak in front of Jiwon. His pride wouldn’t cope with a live humiliation. Not when it was the last thing he could rely on after all these years of pure sorrow and pain. What was the saying again ? We are our own best advocates, aren’t we ? Junhoe, though he was perfectly aware of his own weaknesses, could still fight for himself and bear the burden of life alone. He just needed to try harder. A tiny bit harder ; nothing too harming compared to how much he had hurt in the past. He might not have been the bravest of all, nor was he as strong as most people, but he could deal with another chagrin. So he remained calm, almost unbothered.

 

“Why ?”

 

Junhoe hoped he didn’t sound too curious or too overwhelmed by the announcement. With such a simple word, there were less chance for his voice to crack and his emotions to show, although he had that weird feeling Jiwon could see right through him. But if he really could, Jiwon didn’t make a big deal of it and rather gave his roommate a deserved explanation. That was a nice asset of his ; the boy was so straightforward he could never beat about the bush. Making excuses demanded too much efforts.

 

“I feel like it’s time. If I stay stuck in this place, I’ll never move on. And if you want to move on, sometimes you also have to leave some things behind… Such as this place.”

“ _Such as me_ ”, Junhoe thought. His smile didn’t curl down, but his eyes had lost all brightness. “That’s right”, he nodded.

“I mean… I can’t sleep in your room and you on the couch forever. And this place is just filled with memories… It’s keeping me in the past.”

 

“ _You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of Hanbin. You need to get rid of me. So you can be happy. Because I can’t make you happy._ ” Junhoe had no idea how he managed to keep himself from falling apart when the love of his life was slipping through his fingers once again. When he believed he finally had a chance to have his own taste of happiness with him. How naive of him to think that. It was nothing but pure nonsense. He expected Jiwon to be done with his rant so his broken heart could get a bit of rest, but the latter apparently had more to say.

 

“See, I’ve found this apartment not that far away, way cheaper but still quite well located. I think it’d be a good opportunity, don’t you think ?”

“ _Great. So you’ve been thinking of it for a long time_.” Junhoe’s mind was going nuts. “ _Why did I even think we could be a thing when you clearly don’t care._ ” On the outside, the boy remained unshaken. Stone-faced. “Of course."

“I visited it already, and I thought you could come with me next time ? I wanna show you.”

“ _Please shut up._ ” He begged in silence. All he wanted was for Jiwon to go so he could curl up on the couch and cry himself to sleep, and perhaps never wake up, if life could grant his wishes for once. “Yeah, for sure, if you really need my advice…”

“To be honest, I think I’ve already made my mind but if you’re gonna live there, you also have your word to say.”

 

Junhoe’s eyes widened as he choked on his drink : absolutely cliché, he thought. Shocked, he stood up, his legs shaking a little. He was just speechless ; Junhoe stayed still, incapable of meeting Jiwon’s gaze. From where he stood, and even though he looked at the floor, he could guess the boy was smiling widely, his eyes slight like two little crescent moons. Jiwon was always so beautiful, so wonderfully stunning it made Junhoe uncomfortable. At that moment, he feared he would blush if he was to glance up just a second.

 

“You… Want me to live with you ?”, he dared to ask after noticing the way Jiwon started to breathe heavily ; he always did that whenever he got impatient. He would also be blowing bubbles if he was chewing gum.

“Well, we’ve been living together for so long now… I kind of don’t see myself living without you ?”

 

It may have been just a few words, but to Junhoe, it was so much more than that. For years, he had believed, from the bottom of his heart, that Jiwon didn’t care about him. That he acknowledged his existence only for Hanbin’s sake. And after Hanbin’s death, when they had to live together, only the two of them, Junhoe had convinced himself that Jiwon stayed with him only because it was too hard for him to leave and be alone. That Jiwon needed him to remind him of Hanbin.

It happened, though, that Junhoe had always been dear to Jiwon, who liked him as a friend. Jiwon had always respected him and considered him as special. Junhoe had just never wanted to admit it. And since Hanbin was gone, they had got closer and closer, until they had crossed the line of friendship. Once again, Junhoe had tried to persuade himself that it had not meant anything. That it had been purely sexual. But now that Jiwon had told him he had planned on bringing him into his new life, he understood. He had always been wanted.

 

***

 

Three weeks later, on a morning, they moved in a cosy, one bedroom flat a few blocks away from their former neighborhood. They had made it clear, though, that they would share the bed platonically, for now. As soon as he had passed the doorway, Junhoe had been welcomed by a bright, beaming light coming from a large window frame, and tainting the walls a beautiful turquoise light. Oddly enough, it had calmed Junhoe’s anxious feelings right away. It had felt like it had healed his scars all at once ; and now, Junhoe’s tossed around heart was willing to forgive it all.

The night they moved in, despite their previous agreement, the way Junhoe and Jiwon fell asleep, all curled up in each other’s arms, said enough about their still unspoken feelings.

Junhoe was convinced now. Time truly was the key.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, guess who's been surprisingly fast to update this week??? lmao this chapter is quite short, at least I think so, but next chapter will be much longer as it will be the last one... omg this is almost finished I can't believe it!!! 
> 
> As always, I really hoped you liked this chapter and if you did please tell me so in the comments! Reading your feedbacks means the world to me!
> 
> you can find me on twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> and on asianfanfics : vxrygd
> 
> see you on the next one ♡


	9. Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of this bottled up feelings had formed a knot in his stomach, a knot that just exploded, emotions hitting him like a tsunami ; it was way too overwhelming for Junhoe to handle. Jiwon approached him silently, raised his hand and rest it on Junhoe’s nape, his pale skin now a cold shade of pink that reminded Jiwon of blooming sakura flowers.

 

 

_Pink : care ; tenderness ; romance ; unconditional love_

 

 

***

 

 

“Junhoe ?” The latter looked up and closed the book he had been reading for the whole afternoon now : one of this philosophical essays on existentialism he had to study for his classes. He had found it boring at first, to find himself drowning in the pages a few hours later.

“Yes ?”, he said. Jiwon stood in front of the large window frame of their new living room, glancing outside, observing the burgeoning spring with its newly born flowers and its still cold atmosphere. It was all so beautiful and melancolic at the same time ; but the sight of Jiwon was even more stunning. The boy didn’t turn around as he spoke, eyes focused on a bird pecking a few crumbs on their balcony. It flew away as soon as it met Jiwon’s sharp eyes and Jiwon smiled softly, a veil of tenderness shadowing his features ; Junhoe fell in love once again.

“Come with me tomorrow. There’s something I wanna do.” And thus, he head towards his bedroom and closed the door, leaving an intrigued and eager, he would not deny it, Junhoe behind.

 

***

 

The sky was a dull pink as the night slowly disappeared. Junhoe followed Jiwon as they wandered through the awakening streets, with only the chant of the morning wind and the rhythmic punctuation of their nonchalant footsteps to disrupt the calm of the dawn. A few minutes after, they reached a small flower shop, almost hidden in a corner of a dead-end but still nicely decorated, welcoming anyone who would pass by with the sweet, light scent of early spring. From the street, the inside of the florist seemed quite packed with huge plants and sophisticated compositions, though none of the bouquets they both could see from afar seemed over the top ; every single flower looked like it had been chosen carefully, and put together with a gifted sense of elegance it was rare to find nowadays.

Jiwon entered first, Junhoe coming in a few seconds after, following him silently ; his mind seemed elsewhere anyway. The teen indeed looked a bit uncomfortable, trying to figure out what could be going on, why did Jiwon go there specifically. Though it was his birthday, Junhoe had not been very vocal about it : first, he had never really cared about it but more importantly, he had made it clear in his mind that he should not be expecting anything special. That way, he would not be disappointed. But could it be that Jiwon had made his own plans and wanted to greet him with a birthday present ? But then, why were they standing in the middle of a flower shop ? The picture his wild and attention-seeking imagination currently was painting in his brain appeared way too romantic to be realistic. Anyway, he got out of his head when Jiwon’s voice sang to his hear, calling him back to the real world.

 

“Hi. My name’s Kim Jiwon, I called yesterday, made a specific order.”

The eldery woman nodded and smiled politely, “Roses it was, wasn’t it ?” she said, her voice as calm as the chant of waves slowly crashing down the shore in the early morning. It somehow made Junhoe happier than he should, at least he felt like so ; a sparkle in his eyes, his gaze followed her as she searched in the few drawers of the front desk, taking out a worn down ledger, of which the dark brown leather was almost tearing apart.

“Yes. White roses.”

 

Junhoe blemished. White roses, he had heard. The flowers of marriage. Hanbin’s favorites. It all rang a bell. March, 31th. Of course. How could he have himself forgotten about it ? How could he have erased this from his memory, when it wasn’t even that long ago ? When it happened on his own birthday ? When it happened to his best friend ? Everything made sense now. Everything made sense and it hurt so bad. Again. The young man had no clue how he prevented his mask from cracking as he witnessed the florist handing a wonderfully composed bouquet to Jiwon, who immediately embraced it tight against his heart, as if he were holding the most precious and fragile diamond in the world. Junhoe tried his hardest to ignore the fond look on the boy’s face as he glanced at the flowers and brushed his fingers over the soft and delicate petals ; just the way he would caress Hanbin’s skin before. Junhoe felt his throat tighten, his heart squeeze and break once more. It hurt. It hurt so much.

Jiwon had not decided to wake up and go for a morning walk for no reason. And it definitely wasn’t to celebrate Junhoe’s birthday. The sight of a wrought iron gate on their way comforted the boy on his thoughts ; aligned trees, their foliage slightly recovering from the winter weather, showed them the path. Junhoe followed Jiwon almost reluctantly, shambling a bit behind. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there and pay homage to his friend. But he feared Jiwon and his unforeseeable nature. Moreover, he dreaded his immeasurable love for Hanbin. He didn’t want to witness his own failure at making Jiwon happy. He would rather keep a blindfold on his eyes and ignore the truth if it meant being less hurt ; because despite all the love Junhoe had for Jiwon, he greatly doubted his ability to keep facing reality after years of unrequited feelings. Sometimes, it was just too much. That day, Junhoe worried it might be too much.

They turned around, dove into this bizarre, in between heavy and tranquil atmosphere only a cemetery could create, the humid morning breeze slithering through their clothes, and passed a few tombs until Jiwon stopped instantly. Here they were, facing a grey stone, some chrysanthemums adorning the grave on which they both could read a name way too familiar for them to remain unshaken : the name of the boy who had meant so much to them.

 

“I’ve not been there since the funerals”, Jiwon confessed. That was the final straw. Junhoe lost it.

“Why are you doing this to me Jiwon ?”, he deplored with a tone he didn’t know he had so far ; a twisted mix of anger, bitterness and pain. “Tell me ! Why are you doing this to me ?” he asked, raising his voice as if he feared Jiwon couldn’t hear him.

 

He wanted to run away. To go anywhere, as long as it meant being far away from here. But Jiwon remained silent. He didn’t even deign to look at him. As if Junhoe no longer existed, the elder boy seemed to have entered a whole new world, peaceful and tender, his features strangely softened now that he faced his past love’s grave, the worried wrinkles on the middle of his forehead slowly fading away.

 

“Tell me !”

 

Jiwon knelt, the bouquet kept close to his chest before he placed it delicately on the center of the grave. White petals kissed the stone, reminding Jiwon of the snowflakes falling down the sky the day he had asked Hanbin out for the first time. Junhoe witnessed Jiwon intertwine his fingers and close his eyes, his mouth barely moving as he whispered the words of a prayer Junhoe didn’t know the meaning ; then he stood up, his head hold up high, and the huskiness of his tired voice echoed through the environs.

 

“Kim Hanbin, my dear love”, he started and Junhoe couldn’t tell if his heart had broken already, or if it was only the crack of a branch, somewhere among the trees.

“By standing here today I’m honouring your remembrance. You were there to hold my hand when I needed you. We seized what life gave us, went through ups and downs together and we never looked back at the past. Back then when you were with me, if I had had to describe our love, I would have resumed it with the word “future”. Because every morning, when I woke up next to you, I felt complete. As if you were what I had lacked all these years before I fell in love with you. Because you were. You truly were. You stepped into my life unapologetically, with a stupid grin on your face and these flirty manners of yours, stealing my heart on your way but I let you do so, because I got your love in return. Holding you in my arms brought me more happiness than I could have ever asked for, Hanbin. And for this, all of this, I’ll be forever thankful, my dear.”

 

Junhoe stared at Jiwon’s back, astounded at the words leaving Jiwon’s lips. The fascinating melody of his voice no longer sounded like a lullaby to Junhoe’s hear. It sang like the calls of his own heart ; harrowing. He hated this voice. He despised the words the boy recited. He abhorred the way it seemed like a confession. Moreover, he loathed the fact that it made Jiwon cry.

 

“Unfortunately, life may be as unfair as it is beautiful. And one night, as the opium of youth had won over our minds, for a reason I still can’t clear, God took you away from me. For a long time, I thought it was his way to punish me for the sins I had committed ; for driving too fast, for drinking, for freeing myself of all the boundaries I should have had. Losing you was and will ever be the most painful hardship I had to face. Waking up to the thought of you not being there was pure torture ; it hurt so much I gave up on sleeping. I gave up on my life because you had lost yours. You had lost yours and it was unfair. It is still unfair. It will forever be. People kept telling me time would heal my wounds, but I didn’t want to believe it. It felt like I would suffer and mourn for the rest of my life. I was ready to. I was fine with this idea, or at least…”

 

He stopped abruptly, not moving an inch ; tense were his shoulders, and halting was his breathing. It was painful to look at, Junhoe thought, and couldn’t prevent himself from feeling awfully guilty for it. Confused, he would rather stay behind, idly waiting for Jiwon to turn back to him, whereas he dealt with his own, overwhelming flow of clashing emotions ; he wanted to scream, he wanted to run away, far away from this place where he definitely didn’t belong, where he was nothing but a third wheel, once again. And perhaps would he have found the courage to finally speak out, but Jiwon’s voice, dying in a whisper, broke the silence once again.

 

“At least I thought so. But time passed, eventually. And yes, I healed. Thanks to one person, whose presence I ignored for so long but who, despite all my selfishness, never let me down. Never. I feel so bad, you know. Hurting him the way I did, because I know I did, even though he would go on and assure me I didn’t. I know I did. I was so focused on not forgetting you, on dedicating all of myself to you that I ignored everything else, to my very own feelings. I closed my eyes on the way I would laugh to what he would tell me. I took the way my heart would beat when he smiled as something else. I just… Couldn’t cope with the idea of me letting go of the only thing I had left from you. Our love. Our story. I couldn’t bring myself to write “the end” on the last page of our book. It broke my heart just to think of it. I felt so guilty towards you. I felt so guilty, until I didn’t anymore. One night, I forgot about you. For the first time in months, I forgot about everything you meant to me and let someone else hug me, and kiss me the way only you could before. To this, I apologize. As I apologize for not being sorry. Hanbin, I’m here today because I woke up to an empty bed this morning. And it hurt. Not because you weren’t there in my arms… But because he wasn’t.”

“Hanbin, although my feelings for you have changed, please know I will forever love you. I’ll never stop cherish our memories. This is a promise I will never break. But for now on, I won’t walk alone anymore. I’ll hold his hand where yours belonged before. For now on, I’ll dedicate my life to him. And love him just as much as I once loved you.”

 

His eyes red with tears but smiling widely, the raising sun kissing his delicate, tanned skin as he turned around, Jiwon dared to glance at the boy to who he had just confessed, fearing it was already too late. One last time, fondness and worry betrayed in a whisper, he pierced the tranquility of the moment.

 

“If you still want me.”

 

Mindblown. This was the only word Junhoe could think of to describe how he felt at the moment. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore ; or perhaps was it just too much to process in so little time. His hands shaking, he thought his nerves were about to give up on him. Had it been a bench nearby that he would have let himself collapse on it, his legs suddenly too weak to support his weight as it appeared the whole solar system had crashed on the younger’s shoulders. His head buzzing, his heart skipping beats dangerously, he was about to panic, and despite all his efforts to remain as calm and unbothered as he had been able to for so long, words decided to leave the barrier of his lips on their own, flowing in a desperate sonate, his voice cracking in between abrupt hiccups.

 

“But… White roses ! White roses, Jiwon ! I know the language of flowers, I know what it means. I know you do too. This isn’t a coincidence. They’re Hanbin’s favorites, they’re the ones he wanted to have for your wedding ! This, all of this, I know what it’s for ! But why are you doing this to me ?! Why ?! You’re not stupid Jiwon, you know the feelings I have for you, so why ? Do I really deserve such a humiliation ? Am I this pathetic you only wanted to make fun of me ?!”

 

Unexpectedly, tears started running on Junhoe’s cheeks. Puzzled, the boy didn’t know what to think anymore. The pain he endured all his teenage years, the love he masked behind his awkward manners, the thrill he felt when things started to shift between him and Jiwon, the fear of losing him totally, the voice in his head repeating him he wasn’t good enough. All of this bottled up feelings had formed a knot in his stomach, a knot that just exploded, emotions hitting him like a tsunami ; it was way too overwhelming for Junhoe to handle. Jiwon approached him silently, raised his hand and rest it on Junhoe’s nape, his pale skin now a cold shade of pink that reminded Jiwon of blooming sakura flowers.

 

“Junhoe… I didn’t choose white roses for no reason.”

 

Jiwon never stopped looking at him, absolutely confident. It was as if nothing could ever stop him from doing what he wanted anymore. As if there were no obstacles on his way. He was unstoppable. Ready to seize his fate, to move on. Ready to conquer Junhoe’s heart one more time, to make his forever.

 

“You’re right. They’re used for weddings and stuff. But they also mean remembrance. They’re a form of farewell. That’s what I’m doing here.”

 

Junhoe’s eyes screamed shame and regret. Regret for not trusting Jiwon ; shame for making a spectacle of himself in the middle of a cemetery and even worst : in front of Hanbin’s grave. He felt ridiculous. Fortunately enough, Jiwon was there to keep the few pieces of Junhoe’s heart together before the boy fell completely apart.

 

“They also mean… A new start. And hopes for the future.”

“A new start…”, Junhoe whispered unwittingly, too hypnotized by the way Jiwon’s mouth curled up and down as he spoke. God did he want to kiss these lips and taste the sweet flavor of theirs.

“With you.” Jiwon finished as he timidly reached for Junhoe’s hand, its coldness burning the skin of his. In the blink of an eye, he found himself in Junhoe’s arms, the strength with which the boy hugged him surprising him a bit ; thus, rather than getting emotional, he laughed, returning the embrace, holding Junhoe safely against his chest.

“I won’t kiss you here… It’d be inappropriate.”, the elder boy murmured, caressing the other’s cheek with the pulp of his lips.

 

Junhoe smiled and Jiwon chuckled, their noses brushing as they stared in each other’s eyes ; Junhoe dived in the nebula he loved to admire, shining stars blinding him. Jiwon, him, though he still groped around a bit, found the confidence in Junhoe’s iris to jump into the celestial vault that would now be their home.

They made love that night. On the bed they now shared.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE END. Oh God I really thought I would never finish this story lol but I'm glad I eventually did! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. I wanna thank all of you who stayed with me and cope with my lazy ass during this entire journey. Thank you for all the nice feedback and comments, I truly appreciate it. For my work to receive so much love was beyond incredible, I genuinely would have never imagined this and for this, I'm beyond grateful. It means a lot to me.
> 
> Again, please let me know what you thought of this last chapter! Please, share this story with your friends if you liked it (but don't repost it anywhere without my permission, lol) and if you're willing to read my other stories (that I will update... someday...), feel free to do so!
> 
> find me on :  
> twitter : @ik0nnichiwa  
> asianfanfics : vxrygd
> 
> I love you all ♡


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